A Cartload of MM Goodies

Oh I don't know. Somehow I find the 9th gen aren't as thrilled about receiving those items as I hoped they would be? If it were me I'll be ecstatic? I mean, some of those CDs are hard to find! And first press releases too. Lucky kids :(

The middle one (she's the Egg right?) and the right most girl are definitely more enthusiastic as compared to Riho though. That girl still rubs me the wrong way. She isn't that cute or pretty appearance wise. She better make up for her annoying haughty air with really good singing and dancing skills.

On the other hand, I must say that she is smart. Declaring she wants the position of leader on her first public appearance. That makes people take notice of her. Even I remember her name when I still can't figure out the faces and names of the rest. That being said, it doesn't mean I like her :P

*Sigh* I miss my K4.

An Open Display of Affection

Besides the fact that both Ai and Risa look darn gorgeous with that hair and outfit, the best part about this clip is how they were hugging.

Pay special attention to how tight their embrace were. I loved...

a) The way Mame staggered backwards when Ai bulldozed into her XD

b) How Risa patted and rubbed her wife's lower back

c) The smile they exchanged. I can't see Mr Niigaki's expression, but from Ai-chan's, I think it would have been just as adorable

d) Naughty Ai-chan smacking Gaki-san on the cheeks. Twice too XD You have to be close to be able to do that

I wonder what thoughts were running through Sayumi's head when she witnessed this.

a) Chee...Ai-chan already hugged me first

b) Ehhhh?!?! Why didn't Ai-chan hug me?

c) I'm so gonna kill that bean! Yup, boil and cook her into green bean soup

d) I shall kiss Ai-chan like crazy after this. Pay back for not getting to hold her now

Ai Is Graduating??

I can't believe this? Ai is graduating in autumn of 2011. And it has been confirmed? Cuz the announcement is up on the official site. I had hoped that there wouldn't be any graduations in 2011. But then this had to happen! I've lost Eri. I can't lose Ai!!! What's gonna happen to Risa??? What's gonna happen to MM??? What's gonna happen to me and all Ai fans? Without Ai-chan, I dread to see the sales of the next few singles.

I don't know what is next for Ai. Will she continue to be under Upfront but in another company? Or will she leave Japan to study? SOBSSSSSSSSS!!! I am seriously shattered. For selfish reasons, I hope she continues her entertainment career. I want to still see her? Can the ass****s of the people in charge of managing the girls give her a good solo career?! Don't waste her talents. I'm sure she could shine if given the right opportunities.

A part of me...no wait, make that all of me wants to see Risa, Sayumi and Reina to graduate too. Like now! Just make MM a totally new group. Add those Eggs, 9 gen and what not. I don't want my 56kkies to remain in the group if it's gonna be like this.

According to OD, Tsunku told Ai-chan to decide on the timing of her graduation. And apparently Ai already had plans on graduating since last year. OD thinks she would definitely get a solo career. And we are both baffled as to why the announcement is made so early? What is UFA thinking??

If it wasn't for 9th gen, Ai-chan would have left during Haru concert xD

Omg who's gonna be the subleader!?

Sayu or Reina!?

OMG, THERE WILL BE SO MUCH DRAMA

SAYU AND REINA WILL FIGHT FOR THE POST!

They will kick one another while performing! Trying to kill one another!

...ALL FOR THE POST OF THE SUBLEADER!

*Dramatic music*

And the above was OD's one sided talk XD

Look at the 5 girls in purple! Yeah just them cuz I don't care about the rest? ^^; MM to me will always be the 9 nin line-up with Eri, Koharu and JunLin

I'm a little sidetracked by how gorgeous Risa looks with that hair. Back to the graduation though. Frankly, I'm stunned. I mean I knew there would be a day when she has to leave. But why now? Does this mean Gaki will grad next year? I was so affected by this I told my sis who hates my dear Risa about this piece of news. And she was so happy -_-; I should have just kept my mouth shut.

After I've calmed down, I think this might be good for Ai? Cuz although I hate to admit it, MM isn't a good tag for 56kkies. It's like every time they intro themselves and say they are from MM, people just automatically reject them. They don't want to give the girls a chance no matter how good they could be. Hence, maybe leaving MM would open up more doors for Ai. I long to see the day she becomes accomplished in her chosen field with people banging down her door trying to invite her to act, host, advertise or sing for them. It is possible. I know Ai has it in her.

Plus she can date now. As much as I love my AiGaki, I have to be realistic. Ai will meet a guy, fall in love and marry one day. I want to know which type of guys she likes? I hope he is someone who will cherish her. Oh and I just read that she will focus on plays and lives? That has always been what she wanted. That's good that she can pursue the path she prefers.

*Sigh* I hope I can go to Japan this year. I missed Eri's graduation. I can't miss Ai's too. Oh kamisama, please let me go to Japan and make my sis stuff it about the trip! *prays*

MM in France 2010 DVD

PAPA NI PANTSSSSS!!!

Lol, that's the line I remember the most from MM's France Hatsujouriku Live DVD.

And I have to admit that Jun Jun looked pretty good in those scenes with Risa and their buys of boxer shorts XD Is it a norm for daughters in Japan to buy underwear for their dads? :D

I should have typed this entry as I was watching but I couldn't bear to tear my eyeballs away hence I'll have to try and remember the thoughts that went through my mind as I grinned and enjoyed myself thoroughly during the video.

The girls went through 4 changes of costumes. I expected more but I guess with 8 members, their luggage, more than a few staff to follow along, camera equipment, and other items that have to be brought, the cost of transporting them should be relatively high. I should be thankful that they got at least 4 sets.

Some things I noticed during the live. All of the girls had humongous eye bags. The poor things. They must be tired out from the flying. Jet lag perhaps? They perspired like mad, and hair was flying everywhere XD

I love how Eri's skin kinda shimmers from the sheen of sweat? :P What?? She was darn sexy okay? XDDDD Sayumi has a pimple :P Aika's hair looked good but any normal person might have come out looking like an 'auntie' if they tried to pull this hairstyle off. Risa's extensions weren't bad. In fact, she looked quite sexy with them. Ai really worked that hair, twirling it and smacking it on one of the girls at one time while dancing :D

I want the poster! I want the Tshirt! But most of all, I want the girls!!! XDDD Sigh....there won't be another time where MM will go to France right? Maybe in another 2 or 4 years I can go to France? But *sigh* it's impossible for the members I wanna see to still be there at that time.

I have never seen this vid before. I love to see stuff that fans make to showcase MM :) I think they are fans? I wonder who added in the Japanese subs.

Last Thing on My Mind

Last Thing On My Mind


“Happy day! Good boy! Charming girl! Go yeah! 3, 2, 1 Go! Oki Doki Yeah!”

The lights in the recording studio slowly turned brighter and Risa could see the three others in the room more clearly. Saki and Chisato grinned back at her shyly while her youngest teammate and admirer, Aika hurried to pack up her song sheets amidst the ruffling of papers.

“Nigakii-san, can I share a cab home with you?”

Smiling at the younger, Risa nodded her head kindly and reached out to pat her head. She had always known that Aika had a soft spot for her and the girl didn’t make a secret of how much she adored her senpai. From the first day she was officially conferred the title of Morning Musume member, she had told interview cameras how much she wanted to meet Risa. To her, this senpai had the warmest smile, kindest actions and most sensitive soul.

“Sure, there’s no need to rush. Take your time, I’ll wait for you outside.”

The bright smile that lit up on Aika’s face told her that little gesture was enough to make the young girl’s whole week. She watched for a little while as Aika concentrated on putting her papers back in numerical order. Being a hard worker who was constantly neat and structured in all ways, Risa could guess what came next. True enough, whipping out a light pink plastic folder with little hearts on it out of her bag, Aika arranged the papers in a tight stack before carefully slotting them in.

In the hallway outside the room, Risa stuck one hand into her rather large bag and felt around for her cell phone. It was a daily routine, to check the device for messages or missed calls after a session of work. Many of the other members in the extensive Hello! Project family had commented on her love for big bags and often advised her to switch to a smaller one. Be it to lessen the weight that had to be carried around or simply to shorten the time she needed to find things from it. However, Risa liked big bags. They provided her with a sense of security and was handy to dump in everything she needed, or not, quickly. Finally locating the said object, she read the mail that had been received some minutes ago. It was from her manager.

Please proceed to the cultural hall after the recording session. You have to take over Kamei-san for the evening show with Takahashi-san.

“Eh, isn’t that recording Sayumin, Kamei-chan and Ai-chan’s work?”

Pressing the voice call back button, she heard the familiar ringing tone and waited for the other end to pick up. At this moment, the two C-ute members walked past and gave her a goodbye wave. Raising her hand, she returned the action with a smile as the phone line connected.

“Moshi-moshi, manager-san? Why am I taking over the evening cultural show?”

-----

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

Her eyes slowly fluttered open, and she recognized immediately the face of the shadowy figure crouched down in front of her. Sitting on the same sofa that she was lying on, the body of the other girl was near, so close that she could feel the reassuring warmth that was radiating off her.

“Mmmm, my stomach hurts.”

“Awwww, poor Kamei.”

Leaning down further, she hugged her kouhai gently and pressed her cheek on the turtle girl’s slightly chubby ones in a bid to comfort her. She knew the girl liked to be hugged and babied. Especially now that she was feeling sick, a concerned and supportive presence was better medication than any prescription.

Snuggling closer to her, Eri let out a contented sigh and enjoyed being held in this position. She had always like the feeling of being embraced. But she only derived pleasure from it if the action was presented by a select few.

The comfortable tranquility was broken a few minutes later when the older girl suddenly remembered her upcoming duty. Pushing herself off the sofa, she noticed the closed eyes of the ill teenager and assumed she had fallen asleep. Making her way across the dressing room, she headed for the way out when she abruptly stopped in her tracks. Pulling open one metal door of a row of lockers situated near the exit, she took out a gray jacket and turned back to lay the warm garment over the sleeping figure. Sweeping the bangs away from her face, she murmured in a low voice.

“Have a good rest Kamei-chan. I’ll see you later.”

Unbeknownst to her, the sleeping girl wasn’t in that deep a slumber, and she could feel all that went on from the laying of the coat to her senpai’s warm touch. As she stood up to leave the room once more, the image of her retreating back was deeply implanted into Eri’s hazy mind.

“Gaki-san…”

-----

There was still a little time before recording for the segment of the cultural event started proper. As staff members and technical crew busied about trying to take care of last minute situations and emergencies, two young ladies sat in mental folding chairs at the side of the hall, awaiting further instructions.

“Ah, it’s been some a while since we had time alone.”

Smiling at her companion sitting beside her, she watched as the older girl flipped through the pages of yet another novel. She appeared to be deep in thought, devouring every word of the thick paperback. So much so that she didn’t seem to have heard the words of her lonely friend.

“Ai-chan?”

She tried again, hoping against hope that maybe for once, her frequently busy fellow gokkie member had time to pay some attention to her.

“What is it Gaki-san?”

“I was just saying that it’s rare for us to have time together, without the rest.”

Nodding absentmindedly, Ai turned a page and continued reading, barely registering what was being said. She only got this novel yesterday and already she could not bear to put it down. She was thankful there was this free interval in between shooting to catch up on it.

“How was recording with Sayumin?”

Risa remembered seeing Sayumi dash into an awaiting cab outside the building when she first arrived at the cultural hall. The pink bon-bons in her long and black, shampoo commercial worthy hair swished wildly after her. To pose such a question was almost as bad as talking about the weather or asking if someone had eaten. Nevertheless, it didn’t matter to Risa if the subject was shallow or of no importance. She just wanted to have a conversation with Ai-chan. She needed to be reassured that their relationship was safe. That they were still best friends despite the recent nagging feeling in the back of her mind that they have grown apart. Sometimes she wondered if she was solely responsible for the current state of affairs? Did her newfound rapport with Eri somehow drive a wedge between their visibly strained relations?

“We have an upcoming free day, why don’t we…”

“Gaki-san.”

Her tone was cold and slightly exasperated. It didn’t take a genius to know that she was getting irritated. Watching the movement of her hands as she always did, Risa saw them clench tighter at the cover of the book, a sure sign that Ai was trying to conceal her mounting dissatisfaction.

“I’m sorry but could we continue this after work? ”

Nodding back with a thin smile, Risa forced herself to turn away and watch the passing workers instead. The intermittent tugging at her heart got stronger and she knew if her gaze lingered on Ai for another second, she would surely burst into tears. That was a definite big no-no in the crowded central portion of the hall. Such an action would no doubt attract stares and gossip. Especially at a time when Morning Musume was facing intense media scrutiny for Fujimoto’s scandal with a comedian and the evident downward spiral of the group’s popularity and sales.

Risa, get a grip. You can’t lose it now. The team can’t take another hit.

With her eyes closed and repeating those words to herself, Risa didn’t even hear the PA yell for her to get into position. Filming has formally started. Glancing around quickly to regain her bearings, her vision caught sight of Ai standing in the middle of the compound. And the gaze she was giving her shot an extremely cold jolt through Risa’s heart.

-----

“This year, the icebergs in the Artic are melting faster than ever before….”

Focused intently on Ai who was speaking into the camera in a professional manner, Risa marveled at the noticeable change in her within the short period between her appointment from sub to actual leader. From the slightly hesitant and quiet oldest fifth generation member to the self-assured leader of today, Ai’s transformation has been great.

“Wildlife like polar bears are facing extinction and it is up to humans to put a stop…”

Ai’s new hairstyle, the alteration in her tone of voice when she talked in public, and the newfound self-confidence that exuded from her doe-like eyes. Risa wondered where she had been when Ai experienced all these changes. Wasn’t she right there all along, beside Ai and giving her the much-needed boost when she needed it? Or maybe she wasn’t. Perhaps Ai didn’t feel that the remaining member of their cohort had been providing the adequate support. That would explain the chilling look she had received earlier.

Lost in her own thoughts, she almost forgot to follow up on Ai’s section with her own prepared speech. The frantic waving of the PA just managed to capture her attention in time.

“As Ai-chan has said, the poor polar bears really need our help. Aren’t they too cute not too?”

The live program progressed without a hitch and filming was almost due to complete with the director motioning for the last five minutes. By now, a rather large crowd had gathered around to watch the filming proceedings and the noise level got increasingly louder. Making use of her excellent eyesight, Risa scanned the faces of the public standing around in clusters as Ai continued talking about some other species that should be saved in addition to the fluffy white bears. Out of the corner of her eye, Risa became aware of a man dressed in a long white robe and glasses. He was staring intently at Ai and the strange look in his eyes made Risa feel uneasy.

Observing him further, she saw him reach into his coat pocket and pull out a shiny object. What happened next took place like a slow moving black and white film. The man charged towards Ai, banishing the sharp knife maniacally ahead. Instinctively, Risa pushed Ai out of harm’s way. She was going to jump away after her but it was too late. The cold steel sliced into her flesh as the man brutally plunged the weapon into her abdomen.

Screams erupted throughout the venue and people ran frantically in various directions trying to escape the savage and insane criminal. Afraid that he might go on to hurt more people indiscriminately, security personnel hastily ushered members of the public to safety while others chased after the crazed killer.

Crawling over to Risa who was lying several feet away, Ai hands shook when she saw the extent of Risa’s injury. Blood spewed out endlessly and she was growing paler by the second.

“Ga…ki..gaki-san…”

Never in her wildest nightmares did Ai ever think that she would face such a situation. She sat there in a daze, her legs weak as she tried in vain to recover from the shock. The noise died down to a silent drone as Risa’s body started to shut down. She could no longer hear anything and light was fading fast as her eyelids grew heavy. Still, her mind was filled full with thoughts of Ai.

Ai-chan, was she alright?

Struggling to reopen her lead-laden lids and make sure she was safe, Risa reached out weakly to try and find Ai.

“Ai-chan….”

Her voice was feeble, much too soft to be heard over the racket in the hall. But Ai heard her. She was at last convalesced adequately to make sense of what was happening. Stretching out her hand to close the distance between them, the two friends were just about to reach each other when Risa’s hand dropped with a small thud onto the hard floor.

“Gaki-san?”

-----

Most number of posts in a month and all in a day. Ahhhh this will never happen again.

Never My Intention

Never My Intention


The ominous roar of thunder startled her and she looked up unwittingly to stare at the overcast sky. The gray fluffy clouds blocked out the sun and gave all below it a gloomy atmosphere. Much like the depressing weather, she was feeling miserable and in low spirits. The only heartening emotion she felt was from the reassuring warmth emitting from the arm latched tightly around her own. Glancing to her right, she saw the jubilant face of fellow member and close friend, Niigaki Risa.

“We should do this more often.”

Talking to no one in particular, Risa was voicing her thoughts of how she felt after the preceding couple of hours they had spent together. Since the early afternoon, they had visited the trendiest shops selling the season’s most fashionable clothing, tasted some renowned curry, took a walk in the park where Sakura petals floated down all around them and taken some colorful purikura while pulling a bunch of funny faces. It was indeed a relaxing day well spent with no rushing about for performances practices, television recordings or costume fittings.

“Hm.”

Her answer was short and didn’t even constitute a word. Her less than enthusiastic answer not only surprised Risa, but herself as well. The enquiring look consisting of a quirked eyebrow and questioning glance spoke volumes and she looked away to avoid answering Risa. She didn’t know why she was behaving like this. The day was a usual one for them and she almost always felt blissful to have someone like Risa there to spend it with. Sure, the girl could be loud, noisy and boisterous. But she knew when to tone it down and could be a good listener when she wanted to be. A prime example was when she was recently embroiled in a tabloid issue that was thankfully rather low profile. The topic was based on a relationship she had ongoing whist starting out in the industry, or so the magazine claimed. While it didn’t warrant any drastic measures by the company, it didn’t make her feel any better. She was fortunate to have had good friends who stood by her and comforted her when she needed it most. And she would never forget it.

“I’m sorry. I was distracted.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, and Risa seemed to accept it with no further comments. And so the matter was left to be. As her friend turned to speak with the other figure walking on the far end, she noticed how sweetly Risa was smiling. The object of her attention was their leader and the undisputed talent of the group, Takahashi Ai.

-----

The rain was falling in huge torrent like drops that splattered against the window of the speeding cab. Inside the cozy compartment, two feminine figures sat sharing the backseat. There was silence as neither offered to speak. Unexpectedly, the driver wasn’t talkative nor did he try any lame pick-up lines on the attractive girls. The only sound came from the crackly radio and the splash of water as the vehicle’s wheels rolled over puddles of water.

“Toshiyuki! There has been a pileup along the Tokyo Highway.”

“What happened?”

The driver’s voice was evidently laced with gratefulness at not being one of those involved in the disaster.

“Some new driver turned into the wrong lane..”

“New drivers, they always manage to cause problems for others.”

In the front, the driver slapped at his steering wheel agitatedly as he turned into a side road that led to the girls’ destination. At the back, one of them started rummaging through her bag and throwing out random items in the process.

“What are you looking for Eri?”

Becoming aware of her sudden and frantic actions, her companion voiced her concern at Eri’s pale face.

“My phone! I can’t find it!”

“Did you leave it at the restaurant?”

Shifting in her seat, Ai tried to see if the phone had accidentally slipped between the seats or if it had fallen onto the vehicle floor.

“Lend me yours! Hurry!”

The emergency in Eri’s voice made Ai fish out her own device hurriedly and pass it to Eri’s shaking hands.

“Are you alright Eri? Did something happen?”

Punching at the illuminated buttons, Eri brought the earpiece to her ear and waited anxiously for the line to connect.

“The subscriber you can calling is unable to…”

“I can’t get her! I can’t contact Gaki-san!”

“What are you saying Eri? Calm down.”

Grabbing onto Eri’s hands, Ai pulled the younger girl closer in an attempt to calm her down. Eri’s behavior frightened her but she had to maintain her composure and act like a reliable, mature woman in front of her teammate.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I think Gaki-san could be involved in that accident.”

Pointing to the radio, Eri’s eyes turned red and her eyes glazed over with tears as she spoke.

“Gaki-san’s going to Azabu. She wouldn’t have to pass through the expressway.”

Patting Eri’s lap, Ai gave her a reassuring smile. So Eri was worried about Risa. That would explain her strange reaction earlier. However the episode was uncalled for since Risa was safe being nowhere near the accident area.

“She lied.”

“What?!”

“She was going to get your birthday present, not collect her mother’s laundry. She would have to pass through the highway.”

A sick feeling of dread surged up within Ai. The rocking of the cab along with the trepidation of what Eri had said made her feel like puking. Gripping onto the side of the seat, Ai dug her fingers into the soft leather material. Eri’s words kept repeating in her mind and she couldn’t shake the premonition that something bad was going to happen.

It couldn’t, Gaki-san couldn’t have…

Squeezing her eyes shut, Ai contemplated her choices. She could go home and wait for Risa to call her like she always did, or she could make her way to the highway and see for herself that Risa wasn’t any where in danger. Looking at Eri, who had by now brought her knees up to her chest and had her head buried in them, Ai made her decision.

“Please head for Tokyo highway.”

-----

The line of cars went on for miles due to the traffic jam caused by the pileup. In their taxi, Ai and Eri couldn’t see what was happening in the front. Their anxiety was only made worse by the heavy rain beating against the roof of the vehicle and the conversation going on between the driver and his colleague.

“I heard it’s pretty serious. There’s a rumor that a talent or something was one of the passengers.”

Hearing those words, Eri gasped loudly and a fresh round of tears entered her eyes. She looked at Ai with an expression that pleaded for her to do something, anything in the current situation. Her own thoughts in a mess, Ai tried to determine the most appropriate course of action. Except that Risa wasn’t by her side, and she needed her. In her daily life, Ai couldn’t function properly without Risa giving her suggestions or helping her out. Now she felt helpless, she felt lost, but most of all, she felt scared.

You have to be alright Gaki-san. You have to be.

Pulling at the lever to release the door, Ai pushed it open and got out of the car. Outside, the world seemed to be colored in a single shade of gray as the rain and darkened sky meshed as one. In her relatively high boots, Ai started to run. She sprinted with all her strength towards the start of the line of cars where the accident had occurred. Focusing solely on reaching her destination quickly, she cleared her mind so nothing could sway her resolve or hinder her pace. She couldn’t hear Eri screaming at the back for her to slow down or the bursts of honking by the cars stranded on the highway at rush hour. All she could hear was Risa’s familiar and distinctive voice.

I will always be here for you Ai-chan. Whenever you need me.

-----

The scene was absolutely horrifying. The masses of wrecked metal, smell of burnt flesh and splintering of glass beneath her feet made Ai feel queasy. She wanted to turn back and leave the scene of such violent destruction. It wasn’t a place she should be in. But then again, it wasn’t a place Risa should be in either. Yes, she was here to locate Risa, and she wasn’t leaving without her.

“Ai-chan.”

Out of nowhere, Eri appeared beside her and held on to her coat. Together, they made their way cautiously to the nearest cab. The mangled sedan lay on its side, every piece of glass shattered by the impact of the crash. Lowering her head to peer into the interior, Ai heaved a silent sigh of relief that Risa wasn’t in it. Two more futile attempts later, Ai was beginning to think that perhaps Eri was wrong after all. And Risa never came this way.

“Ai-chan…it’s.. Gaki-san’s purse.”

Bending down to reach for the sequined object, Ai recognized it as one of Risa’s favorite purses. Nevertheless she refused to believe it belonged to her dear friend. A design like this was common and very popular, there was a high chance that it belonged to some other woman. Even so, the telling evidence was the little Mickey Mouse ornament dangling from the handle and the yellow letter R hanging below it.

No… This can’t be true.

Holding the torn and filthy bag in her hands, Ai cried. For the first time since hearing about the accident, she let go. Keeping up the image of leader was no longer important, singing and dancing well was no longer vital. Nothing mattered anymore. Because the only thing that truly mattered, is no longer here.

“Ai-chan you can’t give up! Gaki-san wouldn’t give up!”

There was renewed vigor in Eri’s voice. The turtle girl was only in name. In reality, Eri was more outgoing than she ever was. The new her was a result of Morning Musume, a product of self-confidence and a consequence of having Risa around. Since GAKIKAME commenced, Eri found herself hanging out more frequently with her senior. To her, Risa was a good friend, someone as important as Sayumi was. And she wasn’t going to believe that Risa was a person who would go down without a fight. Braving the relentless rain, Eri continued scouring the surroundings for any sign of Risa.

I’m gonna chase you to the ends of the world Gaki-san.

Walking apprehensively up to the last overturned automobile, Eri prayed. God wouldn’t be so cruel as to take Risa away from them, from her. On the other side, sitting on the curb and holding onto her arm, was Risa.

“GAKI-SAN!”

Running to kneel down before her, Eri enveloped Risa in a smothering hug. Tears sprung once more from her already swollen eyes.

“Promise me you’ll never get hurt. Promise me you’ll never fall sick. Promise me that you’ll never leave me!”

“Pokepoke pu, I’m fine.”

With her good arm, Risa hugged Eri back. The joy of feeling Risa’s arm around her waist was indescribable and Eri didn’t want to ever let go. Only she had to.

“Ai-chan.”

“Gaki-san...”

Reluctantly moving aside, Eri made way for Ai to hug Risa. Seeing their contact with each other, the identical sense of despair she felt earlier in the day came flooding back. Ai had practically attached herself onto Risa without leaving any inch of space between them. Her hands had somehow come into contact with Risa’s wound, which made the youngest of the fifth generation wince. But other than that, Risa didn’t seem to mind being caught in Ai’s rigid embrace. There was no exchange of words but it was clear that none was needed.

It was still raining and the cold rain seeped beneath her clothes and cooled her exhausted body. Her hair was a mess and so was her make-up. But Eri didn’t care about those insignificant details. Standing apart from her seniors, she finally realized the cause for her dejected disposition.

The clothes she saw today weren’t as stunning as they should be. The meal she had and the Sakura she saw weren’t as tasty or breathtaking as they should’ve been. Today wasn’t a usual one for her, nor was it enjoyable simply because, Ai was there. It shouldn’t have happened but it did.

It was never my intention, but I fell in love with you, Niigaki Risa.

Room In My Heart

Room in My Heart [Sakura Mankai Edition]

It was early morning on a particular day and the sun shone down with rays of the early spring sun. Nonetheless the skies have yet to brighten fully. Having rained the night before, a thin veil of mist hung in the air achieving a foggy atmosphere. Walking along the path weaving through the deserted and tranquil park, Niigaki Risa hummed a Morning Musume song softly as she swung the small paper bag in her hand to be in step with her movements.

It looks to be a beautiful day.

Her thoughts were however interrupted by the melodious chimes emitting from the cell phone buried snugly in her coat pocket.

Who could be calling this early?

Baffled, Risa reached one hand into the said pocket and searched for the gadget among the wades of money she had stuffed in previously. When she finally managed to fish out the small silver object, the picture that lighted on the external screen told her who the person messaging was. Flicking the phone open with one hand, Risa read the short message.

Ne Gaki-san where are you? I’m already at the studio and I’m early!

Smiling slightly as she imagined Eri’s triumphant grin saying those words, Risa typed a quick reply with her carefully manicured thumb in response to her childish friend.

I was at the studio before and now I’m outside getting our breakfast I got you milk bread. Since I’m earlier, you are still considered late Kame

Her phone sounded again no sooner after Risa had taken a few more steps along the narrow pebble path.

Why, why, WHY? How could Gaki-san be earlier? It’s not fair! Where are you anyway?

At the park nearby, I’ll be back soon. Don’t get all whiny on me again all right?

Shaking her head and laughing, Risa was visibly amused by Eri’s cute and funny messages. Interaction with Eri first thing in the morning could put a person in high spirits. It was amazing how Eri possessed the natural ability to make someone happier just by existing in the same realm. Be it her words, actions or funny expressions, they all had a heartening effect on everyone around. Perhaps this was why Eri was so constantly popular among all members (and ex-members) of the group. Even the notorious Fujimoto Miki loved having Eri around.

Parallel and across from where Risa was standing, a lone figure was walking towards the same clearing where the sub-leader of Morning Musume was headed. Every park that saw Sakura trees bloom had a special area designated for admiring the flowers. It was unplanned but Takahashi Ai had overheard the morning news on the radio that her mother had left blasting in the kitchen. Listening in to the chirpy voice of the announcer, she was enlightened with the knowledge that the Sakura trees were flowering early this year and today was the highly anticipated first bloom.

Thrilled that it happened to be her day off work, Ai decided it would be befitting to catch the trees in full bloom since it was such a rare occasion. At the unearthly hour, there weren’t many people up and about and Ai knew this. Hence she didn’t bother putting on make-up or drawing her eyebrows painstakingly. All she did was pull a hat low over her eyes to hide her recognizable face from overzealous fans. At last inside the compound, Ai saw a single flower float leisurely pass her eyes.

Ah, it’s starting. The trees are beginning to blossom!

Quickening her steps, Ai hurried towards the center of the park where the strategic clearing lay and prepared herself mentally for getting to soon observe the thousands of Sakura flowers falling simultaneously. However, less than a kilometer away, Ai stopped abruptly in her tracks when she thought she saw someone familiar.

Gaki-san?

Seeing the image of her long time friend and teammate, Ai at once recalled that Risa had a radio recording to do this morning. And the location was none other than the building in close proximity to this very park. Why didn’t she think of inviting Risa along to watch the first bloom? It made sense since like herself, Risa loved the Sakura and was almost always especially excited when spring rolled around. Except for the fact that she had an adverse allergy to pollen, which required her to wear a mask and carry medication around faithfully.

Yes, she would call out to Risa when she got nearer and they could spend some time alone together taking pleasure from the customary Japanese tradition. Even so, fate seemed resolved to play with the alluring young woman, and unfortunately, Ai didn’t have the slightest inkling that what started out as a cheerful day would end with her feeling much worse that she had in a long time.

“Gaki…san.”

Her words came out barely louder than a whisper and the excitement that she had felt earlier before vanished in a matter of seconds when Ai saw the sequence of events unfolding before her eyes. She didn’t know why but her first reaction was to dart behind the nearest Sakura tree and hide herself from the unsuspecting pair further ahead.

“Ne, Ne Gaki-san!!”

Her eyes wide with surprise, Risa twirled around rapidly when she heard a voice she had become highly accustomed to.

“Kame?! What are you doing here?”

“To accompany you of course. It’s not very fun watching the first bloom by yourself is it?”

Latching herself onto Risa’s free arm, Eri snuggled up closer to feel the warmth of her newest best friend. The chilly morning air could get pretty cold even during this time of the year.

“Kame being considerate, that’s a first.”

Raising her head to gaze at the tiny flowers that had began to flutter in the soft breeze, Risa closed her eyes to savor the moment. It wasn’t every day that you could be lucky enough to observe the first bloom.

With one of her senses inactive, naturally the rest would be put on high alert. Beside her, Risa could feel Eri shivering. It was just like Eri to not wear thicker clothing to keep herself warm. She was reaching twenty years of age and yet she was still behaving like a child most of the time. No one would have guessed that the two were of the exact same age.

Freeing herself from Eri’s hold, Risa spread open both arms to wrap the younger in an affectionate embrace, after which she proceeded to rub her down in an attempt to keep Eri warm.

“Ne, Gaki-san this feels nice.”

Closing her eyes and inching to eliminate all and any distance between them, Eri smiled contentedly into the front of Risa’s down-filled coat. The early morning, cool surroundings and lying in the arms of a warm huggy bean was the perfect environment for falling asleep. Sensing her eyelids growing heavy with each passing second, Eri didn’t try to resist the drowsiness that was creeping up upon her.

“Don’t even think of falling asleep Kame. We have to get back to the studio in a bit.”

“Hmmm…”

The lazy turtle girl didn’t try replying much, she was enjoying tremendously every instant of this wondrous feeling to bother with anything else.

Away from the two, Ai witnessed the entire turn of events. She didn’t want to think that way or admit it but nevertheless, she felt her stomach twist into tiny little knots and her breathing relegate into short sharp gasps. Risa was aware of their similar interests and the fact that she had a day off today. Why didn’t she ask her along to watch the Sakura? Instead she had come with Eri, ERI!.

Staring at the oldest Rokkie who had by now undoubtedly fallen asleep in Risa’s arms, Ai inadvertently started to grind her teeth.

It should’ve been me! Perhaps if I had been quicker to confess…

Casting her eyes downwards, Ai stared hard at the ground until the numerous pebbles started blending into each other to form a blurry mesh of gray. The tears rolling down her face stung with each draft of the bitter wind and the resulting smarting pain on her cheeks echoed what she felt in her heart.

Fill the room in my heart soon, Gaki-san. Don’t let me forget how much I love you.

Priceless Gift

Priceless Gift


"Risa, you have a phone call!"

"Hai!"

Running down the stairs from her bedroom on the second floor, Risa hopped down two steps at a time to get to the phone situated on a small table in the hallway quicker. Her hair was still wrapped in a green towel after taking a warm bath as she picked up the receiver of the telephone designed in a Victorian era theme and put the earpiece to her ear.

"Moshi moshi?"

"Gaki-san, I'm at the shopping complex near your home. I think it's the ii building... or the one next to it."

"Sayumin?"

Surprised that Sayumi was calling so early in the week of their highly anticipated vacation off work, and even more so when she said she was in Yokohama, Risa couldn't conceal the astonishment in her voice. The huge mirror hanging on the wall serving as an display ornament captured and reflected her expression for all to see.

"What are you doing in Yokohama?"

"It's Eri. She wanted to come up here saying it's been some time since she last visited. She also said there was some good shopping to do. After waiting over 40 minutes for her, I couldn't stand it anymore and called to hurry her only to realize she was still asleep. It wouldn't be possible for her to make it from Tokyo with any substantial time left for us to do anything."

The voice on the other end sounded like a deflated balloon and Risa couldn't help but feel sorry for Sayumi. Eri had a tendency to forget about the feelings of others once in a while and more often than not, the person whom she unwittingly hurt was none other than her best friend.

"Breathe Sayumin."

"Sorry, I got a little agitated. But I was wondering if you might wanna meet up. You could show me the place and tell me all about the rollercoaster...or was it the cinema, that you were gushing about on Music Fighter."

Deciding to cheer Sayumi up by teasing her to get some sort of reaction, mean (evil?) or otherwise was better than a dejected Rokkie.

"So I'm like the back-up? Plan B? Spare tyre?"

"Gaki-san~~! I came all the way from Yamaguchi. I could treat you to lunch?"

Desperate to not ruin her day by spending it alone in an unfamiliar prefecture of Japan, Sayumi tried her darnest to convince Risa to accompany her for the day. Little did she know that Risa had already planned to come out and meet her.

"Okay, okay, I'll be there in 45 minutes."

-----

She said she was around here someplace.

Looking back and forth, Risa searched for Sayumi's presence. It was a weekday and usually at this time of the day, most people were at work or in school. Hence it was supposed to be easy tracking down somebody in the mall. Especially so when spotting someone like Sayumi who wasn't exactly short or lacked in the looks department. Sayumi on most days would effortlessly make anyone do a double take. Walking along the path outside a random row of shops, Risa caught sight of a girl dressed in a white coat that reached her knees and a navy blue newsboy hat. Deciding to scare her friend by surprising her from the back, Risa crept quietly up to Sayumi and was about to pounce on her when she noticed Sayumi carefully scrutinizing a particular magazine.

"She chosed Ai-chan..."

"Boo!"

"Kyaaaaaaaaaa!!"

Surprised by the sudden appearance of Risa, Sayumi dropped the magazine she was reading face down onto a stack of various other books and magazines that were placed beneath her outstretched hands.

"You scared me."

"That was the idea. Glad to see that I accomplished that feat so easily."

"Very funny Gaki-san."

Rolling her eyes then narrowing them at Risa, Sayumi momentarily forgot about the fallen magazine. The radient smiling faces
of nine girls imprinted on the cover of the digest made Risa reach out for it. After picking it up, she realized it was the latest issue
of Kindai which had done an interview on them, Morning Musume.

"Hey that's us. I didn't know it was released already."

Flipping to the page that their feature was on, Risa completely missed the guilty look Sayumi had.

"Let's buy it."

At the counter where the salesgirl had scanned the barcode and slipped the magazine into a small brown paperbag, Risa casually asked Sayumi to pick up the tab.

"Do you happen to have small change Sayumi?"

Digging in her purse for the small zipper pouch where she kept all her coins, Sayumi grumbled loud enough for Risa to hear.

"Why am I paying for something you're buying?"

Taking the paperbag with one hand and putting the other through Sayumi's arm, Risa pulled her towards the exit in search of a nice venue for lunch.

"Because I'm getting it for you silly. You seemed like you wanted it."

Gulping at Risa's statement, Sayumi pretended not to hear it and instead made a show out of craning her neck and looking for a desirable restaurant to rest her feet.

-----

After the food they had ordered came, the two girls spread out the napkin on their laps and picked up their cutlery. They were just about to tuck in when Risa asked.

"So who picked Ai-chan?"

The clank of metal meeting porcelain resonanted throughout the quiet restaurant and a few curious faces looked in their direction to see what the commotion was about. Picking up the shiny fork and knife and resting them mindfully on her plate, Sayumi looked up at Risa.

"You know?"

"Well, I kinda guessed. It's about Kame isn't it?"

And so the next hour or so was spent with Sayumi letting out all her buried grouses at being forgotten by the turtle or being left out when she ran off with Jun Jun or Reina. Risa knew deep inside, Sayumi probably resented her too since she did spend quite a lot of time with Eri as well. However, Sayumi didn't mention her name and Risa was thankful for her thoughtfulness. The atmosphere could get awkward if she did.

"I wish... I just wish she would notice me more. "

"Sayumin..."

Risa didn't know what to say to make Sayumi feel better. It wouldn't really help if she said things will work out. Or that Eri didn't mean it and you are still Eri's best friend. Risa knew the only thing Sayumi would want to hear was that she was the only one in Eri's heart. But Risa couldn't. She was in no position to make decisions for Eri. Heck, she couldn't even settle her own life properly.

"Why didn't you pick anyone Gaki-san? I thought you would surely choose Ai-chan."

Risa jerked her head up the moment she heard Ai's name being mentioned. It was like a natural reflex action for her. This time though, she seemed to crack something.

"Ow, my neck."

"Are you okay? It's just like you to act all clumsy and highly strung when it concerns leader."

Having gone back to making use of her utensils, Sayumi was slicing at her piece of medium rare steak.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh sure you do. I think it's pretty obvious what you feel for Ai-chan."

"She's a friend okay, my best friend."

Looking down at her own steak with her hair falling over her face, Risa didn't want to look Sayumi in the eye. She knew that if she did, all resolve to say something that was the opposite of what she truly felt would crumble.

"Don't lie to yourself Gaki-san, tell Ai-chan if you really like her."

"And? And what? Do you think she would like me back? I rather say none of the members than choose Ai and have her not choose me back. I know she picked Tanakacchi."

Her outburst startled Sayumi and the flood of emotions that were running through Risa at that moment transformed into tears that now flowed freely down her cheeks. It was terrible having to lie. It's a hundred times worse when it meant lying about someone you loved.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."

"Forget it. Let's just continue with the meal."

"How did you..."

As if forgetting about the dangerous boundary she had overstepped just earlier, Sayumi asked another sensitive question.

"...know she chose Reina?"

Sighing as she sank tiredly back into her seat, Risa finally lifted her head.

"Did you have to ask Sayu?"

"I get it. If you don't wanna say..."

"Fine, I'll tell you. I guess it doesn't matter now."

"Koharu went around asking who everyone picked. I kinda overheard Ai-chan and her speaking."

"Ah I see."

There was a long pause as an uncomfortable silence rested upon them. There wasn't even the noise of dishes and cutlery to distract each other as neither girl was eating. It remained like this for some time untill Sayumi decided to speak again.

"If only the one I liked was you Gaki-san."

-----

Stepping out of the restaurant, we were greeted by a strong gust of wind. The weather seemed to change for the worse within the short two hours we were inside the warm restaurant. Grabbing onto my arm, Sayumi snuggled up close to me and led me in a random direction so we could aimlessly kill time till it was dinner. Such were the life of idols on off days. Shopping and eating.

"If we're still unattached by the time we're 30, would you be my girlfriend Gaki-san?"

Out of the blue, Sayumi posed the question as if it were the most normal thing in the world. Her walking didn't skip a beat and neither did she turn to look at me. For a second, I wondered if I was hearing things. The possibility of this happening swirled around in my head. Would I someday see Sayumi as something else other than a close friend or team mate? Could she ever take the place of Ai-chan in my heart? Would I even allow that?

Raising my free hand up to Sayumi's face, I gingerly brushed away the strands of her hair that were blown messy by the erratic wind. We shared a moment and in the depths of her deep ebony eyes, I saw an unmistakable longing. The strong yearning to be loved and appreciated. There was no denying that Sayumi was gorgeous. She had a kind heart and was fiercely loyal and reliable despite everything that had been said about her evil side. It's just that it would take some time, a lengthy time for Ai to be replaced. Afterall, I did love her for almost seven years. I believed it was the same for Sayumi as well. It would take a lot before she could let anyone else into her heart after Kame.

"I might not be able to give you what Kame can, but I will always be here. It's a promise."

"Thank you, Gaki-san."

The genuine and touched smile that appeared on Sayumi's face seemed to light up with the Christmas lights that illuminated the shopping mall's central square. Linking our hands together and entwining our fingers, we stood to watch the light show that was arranged as a celebration to mark the approaching Christmas season.

Maybe when we're 30 Sayumin.


Friendship is a priceless gift that can never be bought, sold or forgotten,
but so is the ability to love somebody, no matter how much pain it brings.

That's When I Love You

That's When I Love You


The dressing room is bustling with activity. It's the same scenario early each morning when a recording for Haromoni@ is about to commence. I can hear Koharu hollering outside in the hallway about someone swiping her packet of Umeboshi sweets, Reina and Aika discussing enthusiastically what the next movie they should be watching is, the pandas going through their scripts in rapid Chinese, Kame helping Shige adjust the hair-tie on her head and finally there is you. You, who looked shyly away when you caught my eye.

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
That's when I love you
I love you, just that way

Aka-chin tells Kame to say some line to represent a proper Japanese lady for the introduction. She does it, executed beautifully and exploding with adorableness. You watch, smiling and amused by her antics. My throwing segment ends, you are the chosen victim for the batsu game since you guessed the number of tries wrongly. Uncertain of what your punishment would entail, you protest weakly, faltering at trying to escape the penalty. Unable to do so, you stumbled a little in your Yukata as you made your way to the front for that moment in the limelight.

To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
That's when I love you
I love you, endlessly

That same night, we had to film the DVD magazine that was to be released for the Cinderella musical. Morning Musume DVD mag 18, I was excited to shoot it as I knew, I would have you next to me the entire time. The recording proceeded smoothly, everything went according to plan, that is until you lost the game. Reina was awarded the tiara and you were mad, angry but yet still so cute. Watching your complaining face, I remembered the day I stood waiting for you in the rain. Your expression was exactly how I imagined it to be when you cancelled our date over the phone at the last minute.

And when you're mad cuz you lost a game
Forget I'm waiting in the rain
Baby I love you
I love you anyway

"Hime-sama!"

I called out to you, pretending it was all for fun, a term to suit the fairytale theme we were having and the role of Cinderella you were playing. Except it wasn't a pretense. It was for real, my promise that you would be my only princess.

Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

The movie was interesting, a little sentimental, a little humorous and a little heartbreaking. It was entertaining, only I enjoyed watching you more. In the darkened cinema hall, my head shifted to watch you every time I was sure you were fully concentrated on the actors on screen. When I see you moved by a touching scene, secretly wiping away a tear that slipped from your eyes, I knew your emotional side was another quality that drew me to you.

So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cuz the movie it made you cry
That's when I love you
I love you a little more each time

"What do you think about this dress? Or this skirt? Would it match what I already have?"

"Would I end up looking like a walking tomato if I wore this with that red top I like so much?"

"Nah, it'll look great on you."

You tried on almost every piece of garment the store carried, determined to find that perfect outfit to end the day. Standing with you by the full-length mirrors, I smile inwardly admiring your trademark grin, feeling fortunate to be the person you look to for reassurance.

And when you can't quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
That's when I love you
I love you, more than you'll know

The sun starts its daily routine of setting in the far horizon, its comfortable orange rays warming my skin. Our meeting time has long passed but you are nowhere to be seen. "Did you forget about our date again?" I wondered out to the random strangers who brushed briskly pass where I was waiting.

"Gomenasai Gaki-san!"

You ran up, panting from running all the way to meet me. Your hair hasn't settled from being blown about by the wind and your clothes are slightly creased. Seeing that apologetic expression on your face, I forgive you again like I always do.

And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you give when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway

I had spaced out while waiting for Reina and Kame, Koharu and the Chinese girls, Sayumin and Aika to finish taping their portions. And while I was dreaming, countless memories of the two of us surfaced in my mind. My most cherished treasure consists of only the precious recollections I have of you.

Here's my promise made tonight
You can count on me for life
That's when I love you
When nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you no matter what

"Ai-chan, we are next."

I creep up on you and position my hands on your shoulders, giving you a surprise massage.

"Already? I still have a few more chapters to go."

Putting down the novel on your seat, the childish pout that appeared after the initial disappointment was replaced by a genuine smile as you sneak your now free hand in mine. Squeezing gently the slim fingers which fitted so well in my palm, I returned the loving gesture.

That's when I love you
When nothing, baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart can't get enough
That's when I love you,
When I love you, no matter what

I love you, no matter what

No matter what

If I'm Not In Love

If I'm Not in Love

I flopped heavily down on my bed, my hair spray out like a fan beneath me. It has been another long and tiring day. Except that I can't fall asleep as the image of you speaking to me after rehearsal keeps surfacing in my mind. "You were being really weird when saying goodbye yesterday. Did something happen?" The concern in your eyes was evident and I was deeply moved because, you noticed. When nobody else did.

I watch you during every practice, the beautiful figure following two other ladies in a line, pouting your lips and your crossing your arms. When you act exaggeratedly throwing garbage everywhere to torment the leading lady, I can't help but smile as I know this isn't the real you. I'm proud to say I'm the one who knows you best. 1736 days to be exact. "How long have we known each other?" You asked suddenly during our usual monthly outing. "Years." I reply, leaving the other part of my sentence silent. But it's not long enough a time for me. You hook one hand around my arm, pulling me along as you gaze at the passing shop windows along the street. Why is it that I can share my worries with you, I can tell you my doubts and insecurities. And even when I didn't intend to, you knew. And maybe because you care, I started thinking more about you.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

People say you rely on me too much but the truth is I rely on you. "When will we get to room together again." I asked you casually during our latest concert tour, careful to not sound out of the ordinary. You shrug your shoulders with a smile before running off to get ready. I hide the sad sigh from emerging as I see your retreating back. It used to be just the two of us. But ever since you started getting closer to the other members, it seemed like your time for me became lesser and lesser. I want to go back to the nights where we could cuddle up together under the warm covers. I want to feel your steady breathing and watch you rest, sleeping beside me. Maybe it's an obsession but some things I can’t question. I just know a part of me is missing when I can't feel your touch.

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much
Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oji-sama! Keeping up the pretense of wishing for my gallant prince is hard because in all my dreams of having a prince come for me, I was actually lying to myself. I never wanted a prince, only a princess, who was you. Only in my dreams can I hold you like I want to. Because I know I can't love you the way I wish to. All the thoughts occupying my mind consist of you, your smile, your laughter and you, just you. Why am I feeling this way, I don't know. If only someone could tell me why, why I can only think of you.

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Like a baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

Do you think this could be love? Pausing as I walk to look up to the sky has become a norm. Asking the birds soaring high above without a care in the world what being crazy feels like is almost a daily occurrence. But if my heart isn't lying, then I'm glad it was you. That the person I'm in love with, that special someone who understands me, is you Eririn.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

Pressing down on the 'off' button to deactivate the hi-fi system, I stopped the spinning CD playing in the deck. Marking the top of the page with the words KonUsaPi entry, July 2008, I closed the diary clothed within a pink cover.

Not Like This

Not Like This ~ Naichau Kamo Edition


Merry chatter drew Ai's attention as she sat alone in the cafeteria of the UFA building, already dressed in her sports attire. She had arrived early this morning to prepare for the dance rehearsal which would commence in an hour.

"Ai-chan!"

The vision of her second-in-charge sweeping into the canteen wearing a purple outfit with her long hair hanging past her shoulders swaying in a mesmerizing fashion caused a small smile to form on her face.

"Ohayo Gaki-san!"

Her carefree mood was adversely affected when she noticed another person following closely behind the twenty year old.

"OHAYO!"

"Ohayo Kame-chan."

Replying the turtle girl with a plastered smile, Ai watched in silence as the pair made their way over to sit down at the table she was seated at. Removing the cover of a bento she had conveniently picked up along the way, Eri took a sniff at the piping hot package, taking in the delicious aroma of deep fried tempura prawns.

"Itadakimasu!"

With a childish grin, she bowed and split the wooden chopsticks in her hand, tucking excitedly into her first meal of the day.

"Slow down pokepokepoo, you don't want to choke."

The warning came a tad too late as coincidentally, Eri started coughing violently, spewing white rice from her mouth in various directions. A single rice grain even shot out of her nose, making a "hun" noise in the process.

"Daijoubu?"

Pounding her on the back in an effort to dislodge the interfering grains obstructing the younger's airway, Risa enquired in a concerned voice.

"I really can't leave you by yourself even for a second."

Pulling the plastic box nearer to herself, Risa dissected the pieces of seafood into bite size morsels before returning the half eaten meal to Eri.

"Here."

"Arigatou Gaki-san. You're the best!"

Latching onto her arm, Eri rested her head on Risa's shoulder contentedly, closing her eyes to fully enjoy the experience.

With her existence so blatantly forgotten, Ai felt a strong sense of irritation well up within her. Why were Risa and Eri on such intimate terms? Why did their behaviour seem so natural and right? Why was Risa looking out for Eri to the extent of babying her? Unable to contain her resentment at seeing her sub-leader shower the oldest Rokkie with such affection and the blissful expression which had appeared on Eri's face, Ai bit hard on her lower lip to prevent herself from muttering something she would regret. So caught up in her own thoughts, she did not notice Risa staring at her.

"Are you alright? You seem a little...weird."

"Wha--t?? I'm fine! Absolutely fine."

Her voice rose to a high pitched squeak and Ai knew her less than normal reaction would undoubtedly raise Risa's suspicions. Squirming under her scrutinizing gaze, Ai felt totally naked and as if her every thought was plainly readable to Risa like an open book. Continuing to observe Ai thoroughly, Risa's brows furrowed unwittingly, an obvious sign that she was contemplating something. However, before she had the chance to question Ai further, Eri's distinct voice sounded once more.

"We were asked for our 'Naichau Kamo' stories again."

"What did you say?"

Grateful for the help Eri unknowingly rendered, Ai seized the opportunity to avert attention away from herself.

"The first story was about sliding doors not opening for me, the next was having a wrong food order arrive. The last example was about..."

Pouting cutely as she waited for both of the elder girls' attention to be focused wholly on herself, Eri paused for dramatic effect.

"...dropping my jacket into the toilet bowl."

"EHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!??!?! Uso!"

"Honto!"

Pointing at Risa and gesturing wildly with eyes wide open, Eri affirmed that the incident had indeed taken place.

"But you're an idol!"

Slapping the table top with one hand and cradling her stomach with the other, Risa's laughter resonated heartily throughout the empty dining hall with a number of tears slipping from her honey colored eyes.

"Do you have to laugh so hard?"

Folding her arms across her chest, Eri's pout deepened and she tilted her head upwards at an angle, sulking at Risa's obvious display of bemusement.

"Gomene. But it was REALLY funny."

Flashing Eri a lopsided grin, Risa patted the offended girl on the head, stroking her fringe in the process.

"I'll forgive you this time. No more making fun of me, okay?"

"Hai."

The sudden screech of metal leg on ceramic tiles announced Ai's departure as she removed her food tray from the table, making up a random excuse to leave.

"Being leader sure is busy."

Mumbling her thoughts aloud, Eri directed her short-lived concentration back to devouring her food.

"Yeah, I guess it is."

Answering Eri softly, Risa kept her gaze trained on the doorway through which Ai had left moments ago.

I prayed for our love. But our hearts grow further apart.

-----

Standing outside in the hallway, Ai leaned heavily against the wall. Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she willed herself to not cry at what she had just witnessed.

Can I pretend to notice nothing?

Heaving a depressed sigh, she shook her head to clear all images of the person occupying her mind. Except that no matter how hard she tried, it would not work.

I know you're a kind person. But that makes it even more painful.
Is this how I should be? I keep wondering to myself.

As Ai trudged dejectedly towards the venue for the dance practice, her eyes reddened and glazed over with a transparent coat of tears.

"It wasn't meant to be like this."

Why Are We Still Friends

Why Are We Still Friends


"Mou Kame, stop walking so fast!"

There was a reversal of roles as the one leading the pair was the usually sluggish member of the group.

"Gaki-san!"

She called out in her distinct voice which carried a slight whiny tone as she folded her arms to pout cutely at me.

"If you continue lagging like this, we won't be able to finish visiting all the shops in the mall."

With my mouth hanging open, the very astonished sub-leader of Morning Musume aka me, could only gap in disbelief at the tone which was being taken. Aren't I normally the one nagging at her to speed up?

"I understand if you want to finish looking at everything but there is still another two hours to go till 4 pm."

Jogging back to where I was standing with an annoyed expression, the taller girl (unfortunately she was taller by a few centimeters) pouted again as she tugged on my arm.

"Come on Gaki-san. I don't want to be late when I meet Reina later."

"Okay, fine. Whatever you say Kame."

Allowing Eri to drag me along as she resumed her brisk walking, I looked away and pretended to be peering at the items on display in the numerous glitzy shop windows. In actuality, I was hiding my downcast expression. Eri had a sharp eye when it came to detecting whether someone was feeling upset and I didn't want to have to start explaining the reason for my current depressed mood. After all, a love confession wasn't the easiest thing in the world to talk about.

-----

"Kawaii~!"

Picking up a bath towel with the image of ? printed on it, you muttered as you ran your hand over the soft material.

"I'm getting this!"

No sooner had you proclaimed your decision, you caught sight of a hand written sign which stated that all the towels in the basket were on offer. There was a 2 for 1 special deal and the savings amount was quite substantial.

"I don't really need 2 towels. I guess I won't be getting it then."

You put back the pink color towel with a forlorn expression and I immediately noticed how reluctant you were to leave the shop.

"I could get a towel too."

"Hontoni? Gaki-san!"

Grabbing once again onto my arm, you leaned your head on my shoulder before rubbing your cheek against it. You didn't know but this simple action was enough to make me melt into a puddle of goo. It's clear I've got it bad for you.

"That will be (?) yen thank you."

You were standing to the side waiting for me to make payment when a jingle sounded from your purse. Your entire face lit up with anticipation and you excitedly accessed the message to read its contents.

"This is your change. Please come again!"

Tearing my line of sight away from you, I collected the money from the cashier to keep in my wallet. When I was done, I walked up to you. This time, you no longer had that happy aura about you.

"What's wrong?"

-----

The little cafe wasn't that crowded on this weekday afternoon and we managed to get a seat in the corner by the window overlooking to the street below. Sitting opposite one another, I watched you sip your drink in silence. You alternated between drinking the soda and chewing on the straw. You were in a daze and I knew your present state was due to the message you had received. Reaching over to pick up your cellphone which had been absentmindedly placed on the table, I flipped it open.

"Tanakacchi probably has something important to see to."

Trying to come up with a convincing explanation for Reina's third consecutive no show in this week, I patted your hand which was gripping onto the glass. Nevertheless, my efforts at consoling you did nothing to ease the hurt that you were feeling. At that moment, I wished I had the ability to take away all your pain, that I could be the one to make you smile again.

Ignoring my own beverage which was fast becoming cold, I got out of my seat and slithered into the small booth beside you. Bringing you close to me, I let you cling onto me as you sobbed. I did not try to wipe the tears from your eyes because I knew if I so much as took a single glance at how sad your beautiful face was right now, my resolve would crumble and I’ll end up telling you how much I really loved you.

"I'm sorry to have wasted your day like this."

You were referring to calling me out at the last minute with the promise of shopping together and not going through with that promise. You didn't know that I didn't mind just sitting here letting you weep into my chest because you meant so much more to me than being able to complete some pointless shopping.


We do almost everything
That lovers do
And that why's it's hard
Just to be friends with you
Every time your heart is broken by the fool
I want you to know
That it hurts me too
It's hard to wipe your tears away
Knowing that you should be with me


After an indeterminable length of time, you finally stopped crying and tore yourself away from my soaked shirt.

"Gomene Gaki-san. Your clothes are a mess."

"Daijoubu Kame-han."

Giving you a small smile, I tried to make you feel better by calling out your latest nickname which we had thought up for each other.

"Arigatou Gaki-san. You're always here when I need someone by my side. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you as a friend."

Although the smile on my face remained intact, my heart was feeling terrible. It was as if someone had reached into my chest and was pulling on my heart, twisting and turning it until I could no longer breath. This sensation was all too familiar to me as I have ever experienced it before. It was precisely because of this that I didn't want to go through it again. Yet, I fell in love for the second time and once again, it was with somebody who would never reciprocate my feelings.


Now tell me why, why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than we are
And tell me why
Every time I find someone that I like
We always end up just being friends

-----

"Take a nice hot bath when you get home and don't dwell on it anymore."

We were standing at the entrance of your apartment building as I had insisted on sending you home. Nodding back at me, you waved before spinning around on your heel and pushing open the glass doors. Watching your retreating back, I had the sudden urge to tell you something.

"Kame!"

"Huh? What is it?"

Turning around to face me, you asked unsure.

Why don't you leave Tanakacchi? There is someone who cherishes you more.

Nonetheless, those words didn't leave my lips. A part of me wanted you to end your relationship with Reina and realize that I have been here all along. But another side of me was afraid that you would run to Sayumin after the breakup. She was so much closer to you as compared to me and I was certain she would treasure you more than Reina. If that happened, you would no longer need me. I would lose the role of being the person whom you could call on at random times to hang out with you.


I would hate for you to find somebody new
Who you really love
Cause it would mean losing you
But am I a fool girl not to say
If I'm always scared I'll lose you anyway
Somehow someway I've got to choose
(Got to choose) No matter if it's win or lose

"Good night."

"Good night Gaki-san."

In the end, all I could muster was an ordinary greeting. Sometimes I really hated myself for being so cowardly. Why couldn't I just come out and say it? Why couldn't I have been the one to tell you about my affections instead of Tanakacchi?

You walked up to the elevator and pressed on the button, not realizing that I hadn't left despite of the frosty winds that I was subjected to while standing out in the street. I stayed until you vanished inside the elevator before I departed.



Now tell me why, why are we still friends
When everything says
We should be more than what we are
And tell me why
Every time I find someone that I like
We always end up just being friends


-----

*Random Melody*

I fished out my cellphone when I heard jingle of my new message alert emit from my cellphone.

Are you on the way home? Let me know when you arrive okay? Oyasumi Gaki-han!

A smile crept onto my face as I read the short message. It consisted of only a few sentences but it was enough for me. You were never someone who relished in sending text messages thus receiving one from you was almost as rare as seeing a meteor shower.

I just entered my house. How is your bath? Don't fall asleep inside the tub again.


Yada Gaki-han! Stop making fun of me. Did you forget what happened at the concert? You paid for my meals again today as I forgot to bring enough money. Going out with you is better than with my siblings.

The screen of my phone lit up for a third time and I let my arm fall back to my side after reading your last message.

Good night for real Gaki-han. My eyelids are getting heavy...

I knew you would undoubtedly have fallen asleep by this time. Raising my head to look at your bedroom window, I saw the lights go out. Your mother must have switched them off after coming in to check on you. You tended to fall asleep leaving everything on.

After another ten minutes of staring at a pitch black window, I at last left the sidewalk which I have been loitering on all this time. I had lied about my whereabouts. While you were snug and warm at home, I had been battling the freezing temperatures as I stood beneath your apartment.

I don't know why I did this every time I saw you home. I just knew I didn't want to be too far away from you. I know I'm being silly to think like this but I couldn't help it. I didn’t want you to see me as a sibling or another good friend.

"Can you ever let me into your life as someone other than a dependable senpai?"


I don't wanna be like your brother
I don't wanna be your best friend
I only wanna be your lover
When will this end?
If I told you that I wanna be in your life?
Then you could be the woman in mine


I didn't realize that I had unknowingly typed that line into my phone. Deciding that it didn't matter since no one would be seeing it, I added another sentence.

I want to be more than a friend to you Kame.


(Why) Why are we just friends?


No sooner had I finished typing that, the sound of screeching tires exploded in my ears and I looked up just in time to see the headlights of a car coming straight at me...

Futari ふたり by 新垣里沙 feat 高橋愛

I never post my fics here. But I think I should? Just because I'm afraid to lose them one day.

Futari (ふたり)

“I’m so tired!”

I wasn’t looking directly at you but somehow my ears automatically picked up your voice. Turning my head to gaze at you, I lifted my arm and motioned for you to come over. Beaming at me with that smile that makes me melt, you bounded over and sank into my lap. Wrapping my arms comfortably around your waist, I laid my head against your warm back. Closing my eyes briefly and breathing in, I felt a swirl of emotions rise within me. Everything about you I love, yet everything about you makes my heart ache.

If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express

I remember the first day we met just like it was yesterday. I found you the prettiest out of all who came to audition. And I couldn’t stop myself from glancing your way. Even though I hadn’t understood it at that moment, but I think you had already unwittingly stolen my heart.

“Baka!”

“Aho!”

“Stop crying you baka…”

“I’m not crying!”

You insisted despite the crystal clear droplets running down the sides of your face.

How many years has it been?

I wondered to myself as I stared at your swollen eyes and reddish nose.

How many times have I cried for you?

I watched you force a smile through the tears as other members came to ask if you were alright. Being the good friends we were, it wasn’t unusual for me to see you cry. Yet it still pains me every single time. The mere knowledge that you were hurting tears me up inside. And without fail, I hide in a corner and shed my own tears for the person who would never know.

We grew up and became adults
I know you tried to hide countless tears behind a smile
Yes, I knew that you were hurt
Even though we’re so close, I wonder why it’s painful sometimes

It’s 20 minutes past our scheduled meeting time but you had not arrived. Entertaining myself while waiting for you, I stepped up onto the raised portion of the pavement and started walking in a straight line. While balancing precariously on the narrow ledge, I start to sniff and my eyes get watery from the pollen floating in the slight breeze. The blurry visual that unveiled itself before me reminded me of my vision whenever I thought of you.

“Gomene! I’ll be there soon!”

I could hear your voice waver and immediately I knew you felt apologetic about making me wait. It’s just so you to be excessively emotional. I stifled a chuckle as I imagined your cute face and the pout that would most likely materialize soon after.

In spring, I find something in the Tokyo wind
You cried tears and said you were setting out

I never want to let go when our bodies touch. I long to hold you, to keep you in my arms forever. Nonetheless, I can’t fulfill that wish. As a result, I can only listen quietly. To what you aren’t saying verbally. Miraculously, I find myself able to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Maybe it’s god’s way of telling me that I’m destined to be under your spell. If that’s the case, then I wish that you would never let go of us. Even if there is only friendship in your heart.

If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll listen to our two hearts until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express

When I see how close you are with Lin Lin, I question myself.

Why can’t I be the same? Why can’t I behave so naturally with you?

On further thought, I think I know the reason. It is because I’m afraid. I’m scared that I will slip further down that road that has no ending. Though I suspect I’m already too far on the path of no return.

For a long time I wanted to say something…

I want you beside me, I want you to toss all your loneliness and troubles to me.

But most of all, I want to know you care for me just like how I do for you.

"But in the end I know...That I’m just someone who is replaceable."

I wonder why I can’t be more honest with myself
I want to say that I want you beside me, your loneliness and warmth

“I’m going out with Lin Lin.”

“Lin Lin is staying over.”

You announce cherrily. And my heart drops at seeing your brilliant smile.

It’s because I can’t give you anything.

She treats you better than I do.

It’s enough knowing you have someone who can make you happy.

In a desperate attempt to ease the pain, I repeat those thoughts to myself, wanting so much to believe that these rationalizations were true. Still, it’s so hard to lie to myself that I don’t mind or that it doesn’t hurt anymore. Because it does. It aches so much that my heart, my mind and a part of my soul dies a little whenever I see you with others.

And when I finally decide to stop pinning for a love that could never be, you show me concern. No matter how insignificant the amount may be, it makes me fall for you all over again.

Stop it, please stop tormenting me like this. I want to start living again. I want to live a life that doesn’t revolve around you.

I’m too gentle and I still can’t even say a little lie
I almost go astray but you grab my hand

“Take a picture?”

I asked hopefully while holding out my camera phone.

Chu~~

You pecked me on the cheek, going about it so effortlessly like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Ever in my dreams I want to snake my arm around you but in real life, my hand trembles as it hovers above your torso.

I pray that you will always be healthy and never get sick.
I pray that everything goes smoothly for you in your career and personal life.
I pray for your family and for the things that you care about to go how you want them to.

Regardless of how cold you are to me, I still wish that only the best reaches you.

"Please don't forget me."

If emotions exist that can’t come true when I hold you, hold you
I’ll say a prayer and use my voice to reach your freezing heart
Don’t let go, don’t let go, our hands are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express

It's already winter time as the winds are biting and I can feel my lips cracking in the dry air.

"Maybe it's time to let go..."

I tell myself for the umpteenth time as I paid for the train ticket.

"She will never feel the same for you and staying here only prolongs your pain."

In these months where constant battles have been fought between my head and heart, my mind emerges victorious only for a brief duration. Pausing in my steps on the busy platform, I realize I'm unable to cross that last huddle.

"I can't forget you, I can't let go..."

Shaking my head at how much more useless I have become as compared to the past, I tighten my grip on the door to the carriage.

Maybe I should go home and pretend nothing ever happened.

That would be how I have lived my pathetic life ever since I knew I loved you.

-----

I watched you deliberate, obviously struggling internally about some big decision you had to make. I had known all along that something was bothering you. But I never dared to ask as I knew I wouldn't be able to help. Even when I knew you planned to leave, I couldn't bring myself to ask you why.

We have been friends for so long yet I still can't read you as much as I want to. You were always hiding something from me. So many times I've wanted to but never dared to reach out to find out what it was. Maybe I'm too afraid to know if it turned out to be...that...

Don't go, stay here with me...always...

Hiding behind a pillar, I could hear you dragging your bags up the carriage. Digging my nails into my palms and biting on my lip, I held back the tears.

Why are you leaving me behind?

THe announcement sounds and soon the train starts pulling out of the station. Watching the backs of the people who have come to send their friends and relatives off, I realize that I might not get to see you again after you leave.

"No..."

Coming out of my hiding place, I started running after the departing locomotion.

"Gaki-san! Risa! Come back."

The desperation sinks in when it becomes apparent that the sound of the train rises above my cries.

She wouldn't be able to hear me, she wouldn't know I've come.

Inside the carriage, I force myself to stay seated in the chair. There was no way I didn't recognize your voice. But I couldn't look out the window as I know I wouldn't be able to leave if I saw you again.

"Forgive me for this. I am just too tired."

If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
Then I’ll reach out my hand to your heart until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express

-----

It's late and the streets have become deserted from the freezing temperatures. My jacket fails to protect me from the cold but I'm too depressed to care.

I’m only happy when I’m with you.

Sadly it's too late to realize this now.

Keeping my line of sight on the ground, I walk in a daze, not bothering about anything that might be happening around me.

"Baka."

That voice...

Lifting my head up instantaneously, my eyes widen to twice their usual size at the figure standing before me. I stared slack-jawed at the person approaching. Unwinding the scarf around your neck, you put it around me and made sure it sat snugly.

"Don't you know that this winter is much colder than the previous years?"

I still can't leave you alone.

I wasn't sure to laugh or cry at seeing you again.

"Risa-chan..."

Breathing out the words softly, I became aware of the multitude of soft snow flakes falling from the pitch dark sky. You didn't say anything as you held me in a sudden embrace. Somehow I knew not to question your action but to quietly stay in your arms.

I'm only happy when I love you...Ai-chan

-----

Somehow seeing 新垣里沙 and 高橋愛 in the same sentance makes me smile.

I must be crazy. But... I always knew that.