Futari (ふたり)
“I’m so tired!”
I wasn’t looking directly at you but somehow my ears automatically picked up your voice. Turning my head to gaze at you, I lifted my arm and motioned for you to come over. Beaming at me with that smile that makes me melt, you bounded over and sank into my lap. Wrapping my arms comfortably around your waist, I laid my head against your warm back. Closing my eyes briefly and breathing in, I felt a swirl of emotions rise within me. Everything about you I love, yet everything about you makes my heart ache.
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express
I remember the first day we met just like it was yesterday. I found you the prettiest out of all who came to audition. And I couldn’t stop myself from glancing your way. Even though I hadn’t understood it at that moment, but I think you had already unwittingly stolen my heart.
“Baka!”
“Aho!”
“Stop crying you baka…”
“I’m not crying!”
You insisted despite the crystal clear droplets running down the sides of your face.
How many years has it been?
I wondered to myself as I stared at your swollen eyes and reddish nose.
How many times have I cried for you?
I watched you force a smile through the tears as other members came to ask if you were alright. Being the good friends we were, it wasn’t unusual for me to see you cry. Yet it still pains me every single time. The mere knowledge that you were hurting tears me up inside. And without fail, I hide in a corner and shed my own tears for the person who would never know.
We grew up and became adults
I know you tried to hide countless tears behind a smile
Yes, I knew that you were hurt
Even though we’re so close, I wonder why it’s painful sometimes
It’s 20 minutes past our scheduled meeting time but you had not arrived. Entertaining myself while waiting for you, I stepped up onto the raised portion of the pavement and started walking in a straight line. While balancing precariously on the narrow ledge, I start to sniff and my eyes get watery from the pollen floating in the slight breeze. The blurry visual that unveiled itself before me reminded me of my vision whenever I thought of you.
“Gomene! I’ll be there soon!”
I could hear your voice waver and immediately I knew you felt apologetic about making me wait. It’s just so you to be excessively emotional. I stifled a chuckle as I imagined your cute face and the pout that would most likely materialize soon after.
In spring, I find something in the Tokyo wind
You cried tears and said you were setting out
I never want to let go when our bodies touch. I long to hold you, to keep you in my arms forever. Nonetheless, I can’t fulfill that wish. As a result, I can only listen quietly. To what you aren’t saying verbally. Miraculously, I find myself able to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Maybe it’s god’s way of telling me that I’m destined to be under your spell. If that’s the case, then I wish that you would never let go of us. Even if there is only friendship in your heart.
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll listen to our two hearts until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express
When I see how close you are with Lin Lin, I question myself.
Why can’t I be the same? Why can’t I behave so naturally with you?
On further thought, I think I know the reason. It is because I’m afraid. I’m scared that I will slip further down that road that has no ending. Though I suspect I’m already too far on the path of no return.
For a long time I wanted to say something…
I want you beside me, I want you to toss all your loneliness and troubles to me.
But most of all, I want to know you care for me just like how I do for you.
"But in the end I know...That I’m just someone who is replaceable."
I wonder why I can’t be more honest with myself
I want to say that I want you beside me, your loneliness and warmth
“I’m going out with Lin Lin.”
“Lin Lin is staying over.”
You announce cherrily. And my heart drops at seeing your brilliant smile.
It’s because I can’t give you anything.
She treats you better than I do.
It’s enough knowing you have someone who can make you happy.
In a desperate attempt to ease the pain, I repeat those thoughts to myself, wanting so much to believe that these rationalizations were true. Still, it’s so hard to lie to myself that I don’t mind or that it doesn’t hurt anymore. Because it does. It aches so much that my heart, my mind and a part of my soul dies a little whenever I see you with others.
And when I finally decide to stop pinning for a love that could never be, you show me concern. No matter how insignificant the amount may be, it makes me fall for you all over again.
Stop it, please stop tormenting me like this. I want to start living again. I want to live a life that doesn’t revolve around you.
I’m too gentle and I still can’t even say a little lie
I almost go astray but you grab my hand
“Take a picture?”
I asked hopefully while holding out my camera phone.
Chu~~
You pecked me on the cheek, going about it so effortlessly like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Ever in my dreams I want to snake my arm around you but in real life, my hand trembles as it hovers above your torso.
I pray that you will always be healthy and never get sick.
I pray that everything goes smoothly for you in your career and personal life.
I pray for your family and for the things that you care about to go how you want them to.
Regardless of how cold you are to me, I still wish that only the best reaches you.
"Please don't forget me."
If emotions exist that can’t come true when I hold you, hold you
I’ll say a prayer and use my voice to reach your freezing heart
Don’t let go, don’t let go, our hands are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express
It's already winter time as the winds are biting and I can feel my lips cracking in the dry air.
"Maybe it's time to let go..."
I tell myself for the umpteenth time as I paid for the train ticket.
"She will never feel the same for you and staying here only prolongs your pain."
In these months where constant battles have been fought between my head and heart, my mind emerges victorious only for a brief duration. Pausing in my steps on the busy platform, I realize I'm unable to cross that last huddle.
"I can't forget you, I can't let go..."
Shaking my head at how much more useless I have become as compared to the past, I tighten my grip on the door to the carriage.
Maybe I should go home and pretend nothing ever happened.
That would be how I have lived my pathetic life ever since I knew I loved you.
-----
I watched you deliberate, obviously struggling internally about some big decision you had to make. I had known all along that something was bothering you. But I never dared to ask as I knew I wouldn't be able to help. Even when I knew you planned to leave, I couldn't bring myself to ask you why.
We have been friends for so long yet I still can't read you as much as I want to. You were always hiding something from me. So many times I've wanted to but never dared to reach out to find out what it was. Maybe I'm too afraid to know if it turned out to be...that...
Don't go, stay here with me...always...
Hiding behind a pillar, I could hear you dragging your bags up the carriage. Digging my nails into my palms and biting on my lip, I held back the tears.
Why are you leaving me behind?
THe announcement sounds and soon the train starts pulling out of the station. Watching the backs of the people who have come to send their friends and relatives off, I realize that I might not get to see you again after you leave.
"No..."
Coming out of my hiding place, I started running after the departing locomotion.
"Gaki-san! Risa! Come back."
The desperation sinks in when it becomes apparent that the sound of the train rises above my cries.
She wouldn't be able to hear me, she wouldn't know I've come.
Inside the carriage, I force myself to stay seated in the chair. There was no way I didn't recognize your voice. But I couldn't look out the window as I know I wouldn't be able to leave if I saw you again.
"Forgive me for this. I am just too tired."
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
Then I’ll reach out my hand to your heart until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express
-----
It's late and the streets have become deserted from the freezing temperatures. My jacket fails to protect me from the cold but I'm too depressed to care.
I’m only happy when I’m with you.
Sadly it's too late to realize this now.
Keeping my line of sight on the ground, I walk in a daze, not bothering about anything that might be happening around me.
"Baka."
That voice...
Lifting my head up instantaneously, my eyes widen to twice their usual size at the figure standing before me. I stared slack-jawed at the person approaching. Unwinding the scarf around your neck, you put it around me and made sure it sat snugly.
"Don't you know that this winter is much colder than the previous years?"
I still can't leave you alone.
I wasn't sure to laugh or cry at seeing you again.
"Risa-chan..."
Breathing out the words softly, I became aware of the multitude of soft snow flakes falling from the pitch dark sky. You didn't say anything as you held me in a sudden embrace. Somehow I knew not to question your action but to quietly stay in your arms.
I'm only happy when I love you...Ai-chan
“I’m so tired!”
I wasn’t looking directly at you but somehow my ears automatically picked up your voice. Turning my head to gaze at you, I lifted my arm and motioned for you to come over. Beaming at me with that smile that makes me melt, you bounded over and sank into my lap. Wrapping my arms comfortably around your waist, I laid my head against your warm back. Closing my eyes briefly and breathing in, I felt a swirl of emotions rise within me. Everything about you I love, yet everything about you makes my heart ache.
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express
I remember the first day we met just like it was yesterday. I found you the prettiest out of all who came to audition. And I couldn’t stop myself from glancing your way. Even though I hadn’t understood it at that moment, but I think you had already unwittingly stolen my heart.
“Baka!”
“Aho!”
“Stop crying you baka…”
“I’m not crying!”
You insisted despite the crystal clear droplets running down the sides of your face.
How many years has it been?
I wondered to myself as I stared at your swollen eyes and reddish nose.
How many times have I cried for you?
I watched you force a smile through the tears as other members came to ask if you were alright. Being the good friends we were, it wasn’t unusual for me to see you cry. Yet it still pains me every single time. The mere knowledge that you were hurting tears me up inside. And without fail, I hide in a corner and shed my own tears for the person who would never know.
We grew up and became adults
I know you tried to hide countless tears behind a smile
Yes, I knew that you were hurt
Even though we’re so close, I wonder why it’s painful sometimes
It’s 20 minutes past our scheduled meeting time but you had not arrived. Entertaining myself while waiting for you, I stepped up onto the raised portion of the pavement and started walking in a straight line. While balancing precariously on the narrow ledge, I start to sniff and my eyes get watery from the pollen floating in the slight breeze. The blurry visual that unveiled itself before me reminded me of my vision whenever I thought of you.
“Gomene! I’ll be there soon!”
I could hear your voice waver and immediately I knew you felt apologetic about making me wait. It’s just so you to be excessively emotional. I stifled a chuckle as I imagined your cute face and the pout that would most likely materialize soon after.
In spring, I find something in the Tokyo wind
You cried tears and said you were setting out
I never want to let go when our bodies touch. I long to hold you, to keep you in my arms forever. Nonetheless, I can’t fulfill that wish. As a result, I can only listen quietly. To what you aren’t saying verbally. Miraculously, I find myself able to understand what you are thinking and feeling. Maybe it’s god’s way of telling me that I’m destined to be under your spell. If that’s the case, then I wish that you would never let go of us. Even if there is only friendship in your heart.
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
I’ll listen to our two hearts until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express
When I see how close you are with Lin Lin, I question myself.
Why can’t I be the same? Why can’t I behave so naturally with you?
On further thought, I think I know the reason. It is because I’m afraid. I’m scared that I will slip further down that road that has no ending. Though I suspect I’m already too far on the path of no return.
For a long time I wanted to say something…
I want you beside me, I want you to toss all your loneliness and troubles to me.
But most of all, I want to know you care for me just like how I do for you.
"But in the end I know...That I’m just someone who is replaceable."
I wonder why I can’t be more honest with myself
I want to say that I want you beside me, your loneliness and warmth
“I’m going out with Lin Lin.”
“Lin Lin is staying over.”
You announce cherrily. And my heart drops at seeing your brilliant smile.
It’s because I can’t give you anything.
She treats you better than I do.
It’s enough knowing you have someone who can make you happy.
In a desperate attempt to ease the pain, I repeat those thoughts to myself, wanting so much to believe that these rationalizations were true. Still, it’s so hard to lie to myself that I don’t mind or that it doesn’t hurt anymore. Because it does. It aches so much that my heart, my mind and a part of my soul dies a little whenever I see you with others.
And when I finally decide to stop pinning for a love that could never be, you show me concern. No matter how insignificant the amount may be, it makes me fall for you all over again.
Stop it, please stop tormenting me like this. I want to start living again. I want to live a life that doesn’t revolve around you.
I’m too gentle and I still can’t even say a little lie
I almost go astray but you grab my hand
“Take a picture?”
I asked hopefully while holding out my camera phone.
Chu~~
You pecked me on the cheek, going about it so effortlessly like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Ever in my dreams I want to snake my arm around you but in real life, my hand trembles as it hovers above your torso.
I pray that you will always be healthy and never get sick.
I pray that everything goes smoothly for you in your career and personal life.
I pray for your family and for the things that you care about to go how you want them to.
Regardless of how cold you are to me, I still wish that only the best reaches you.
"Please don't forget me."
If emotions exist that can’t come true when I hold you, hold you
I’ll say a prayer and use my voice to reach your freezing heart
Don’t let go, don’t let go, our hands are connected
I’ll take in that wish now which words can’t express
It's already winter time as the winds are biting and I can feel my lips cracking in the dry air.
"Maybe it's time to let go..."
I tell myself for the umpteenth time as I paid for the train ticket.
"She will never feel the same for you and staying here only prolongs your pain."
In these months where constant battles have been fought between my head and heart, my mind emerges victorious only for a brief duration. Pausing in my steps on the busy platform, I realize I'm unable to cross that last huddle.
"I can't forget you, I can't let go..."
Shaking my head at how much more useless I have become as compared to the past, I tighten my grip on the door to the carriage.
Maybe I should go home and pretend nothing ever happened.
That would be how I have lived my pathetic life ever since I knew I loved you.
-----
I watched you deliberate, obviously struggling internally about some big decision you had to make. I had known all along that something was bothering you. But I never dared to ask as I knew I wouldn't be able to help. Even when I knew you planned to leave, I couldn't bring myself to ask you why.
We have been friends for so long yet I still can't read you as much as I want to. You were always hiding something from me. So many times I've wanted to but never dared to reach out to find out what it was. Maybe I'm too afraid to know if it turned out to be...that...
Don't go, stay here with me...always...
Hiding behind a pillar, I could hear you dragging your bags up the carriage. Digging my nails into my palms and biting on my lip, I held back the tears.
Why are you leaving me behind?
THe announcement sounds and soon the train starts pulling out of the station. Watching the backs of the people who have come to send their friends and relatives off, I realize that I might not get to see you again after you leave.
"No..."
Coming out of my hiding place, I started running after the departing locomotion.
"Gaki-san! Risa! Come back."
The desperation sinks in when it becomes apparent that the sound of the train rises above my cries.
She wouldn't be able to hear me, she wouldn't know I've come.
Inside the carriage, I force myself to stay seated in the chair. There was no way I didn't recognize your voice. But I couldn't look out the window as I know I wouldn't be able to leave if I saw you again.
"Forgive me for this. I am just too tired."
If emotions exist that can’t be felt when I hold you, hold you
Then I’ll reach out my hand to your heart until I find your voice
Don’t let go, don’t let go, the both of us are connected
I’ll take in that pain now which words can’t express
-----
It's late and the streets have become deserted from the freezing temperatures. My jacket fails to protect me from the cold but I'm too depressed to care.
I’m only happy when I’m with you.
Sadly it's too late to realize this now.
Keeping my line of sight on the ground, I walk in a daze, not bothering about anything that might be happening around me.
"Baka."
That voice...
Lifting my head up instantaneously, my eyes widen to twice their usual size at the figure standing before me. I stared slack-jawed at the person approaching. Unwinding the scarf around your neck, you put it around me and made sure it sat snugly.
"Don't you know that this winter is much colder than the previous years?"
I still can't leave you alone.
I wasn't sure to laugh or cry at seeing you again.
"Risa-chan..."
Breathing out the words softly, I became aware of the multitude of soft snow flakes falling from the pitch dark sky. You didn't say anything as you held me in a sudden embrace. Somehow I knew not to question your action but to quietly stay in your arms.
I'm only happy when I love you...Ai-chan
-----
Somehow seeing 新垣里沙 and 高橋愛 in the same sentance makes me smile.
I must be crazy. But... I always knew that.
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