Never My Intention

Never My Intention


The ominous roar of thunder startled her and she looked up unwittingly to stare at the overcast sky. The gray fluffy clouds blocked out the sun and gave all below it a gloomy atmosphere. Much like the depressing weather, she was feeling miserable and in low spirits. The only heartening emotion she felt was from the reassuring warmth emitting from the arm latched tightly around her own. Glancing to her right, she saw the jubilant face of fellow member and close friend, Niigaki Risa.

“We should do this more often.”

Talking to no one in particular, Risa was voicing her thoughts of how she felt after the preceding couple of hours they had spent together. Since the early afternoon, they had visited the trendiest shops selling the season’s most fashionable clothing, tasted some renowned curry, took a walk in the park where Sakura petals floated down all around them and taken some colorful purikura while pulling a bunch of funny faces. It was indeed a relaxing day well spent with no rushing about for performances practices, television recordings or costume fittings.

“Hm.”

Her answer was short and didn’t even constitute a word. Her less than enthusiastic answer not only surprised Risa, but herself as well. The enquiring look consisting of a quirked eyebrow and questioning glance spoke volumes and she looked away to avoid answering Risa. She didn’t know why she was behaving like this. The day was a usual one for them and she almost always felt blissful to have someone like Risa there to spend it with. Sure, the girl could be loud, noisy and boisterous. But she knew when to tone it down and could be a good listener when she wanted to be. A prime example was when she was recently embroiled in a tabloid issue that was thankfully rather low profile. The topic was based on a relationship she had ongoing whist starting out in the industry, or so the magazine claimed. While it didn’t warrant any drastic measures by the company, it didn’t make her feel any better. She was fortunate to have had good friends who stood by her and comforted her when she needed it most. And she would never forget it.

“I’m sorry. I was distracted.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie, and Risa seemed to accept it with no further comments. And so the matter was left to be. As her friend turned to speak with the other figure walking on the far end, she noticed how sweetly Risa was smiling. The object of her attention was their leader and the undisputed talent of the group, Takahashi Ai.

-----

The rain was falling in huge torrent like drops that splattered against the window of the speeding cab. Inside the cozy compartment, two feminine figures sat sharing the backseat. There was silence as neither offered to speak. Unexpectedly, the driver wasn’t talkative nor did he try any lame pick-up lines on the attractive girls. The only sound came from the crackly radio and the splash of water as the vehicle’s wheels rolled over puddles of water.

“Toshiyuki! There has been a pileup along the Tokyo Highway.”

“What happened?”

The driver’s voice was evidently laced with gratefulness at not being one of those involved in the disaster.

“Some new driver turned into the wrong lane..”

“New drivers, they always manage to cause problems for others.”

In the front, the driver slapped at his steering wheel agitatedly as he turned into a side road that led to the girls’ destination. At the back, one of them started rummaging through her bag and throwing out random items in the process.

“What are you looking for Eri?”

Becoming aware of her sudden and frantic actions, her companion voiced her concern at Eri’s pale face.

“My phone! I can’t find it!”

“Did you leave it at the restaurant?”

Shifting in her seat, Ai tried to see if the phone had accidentally slipped between the seats or if it had fallen onto the vehicle floor.

“Lend me yours! Hurry!”

The emergency in Eri’s voice made Ai fish out her own device hurriedly and pass it to Eri’s shaking hands.

“Are you alright Eri? Did something happen?”

Punching at the illuminated buttons, Eri brought the earpiece to her ear and waited anxiously for the line to connect.

“The subscriber you can calling is unable to…”

“I can’t get her! I can’t contact Gaki-san!”

“What are you saying Eri? Calm down.”

Grabbing onto Eri’s hands, Ai pulled the younger girl closer in an attempt to calm her down. Eri’s behavior frightened her but she had to maintain her composure and act like a reliable, mature woman in front of her teammate.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I think Gaki-san could be involved in that accident.”

Pointing to the radio, Eri’s eyes turned red and her eyes glazed over with tears as she spoke.

“Gaki-san’s going to Azabu. She wouldn’t have to pass through the expressway.”

Patting Eri’s lap, Ai gave her a reassuring smile. So Eri was worried about Risa. That would explain her strange reaction earlier. However the episode was uncalled for since Risa was safe being nowhere near the accident area.

“She lied.”

“What?!”

“She was going to get your birthday present, not collect her mother’s laundry. She would have to pass through the highway.”

A sick feeling of dread surged up within Ai. The rocking of the cab along with the trepidation of what Eri had said made her feel like puking. Gripping onto the side of the seat, Ai dug her fingers into the soft leather material. Eri’s words kept repeating in her mind and she couldn’t shake the premonition that something bad was going to happen.

It couldn’t, Gaki-san couldn’t have…

Squeezing her eyes shut, Ai contemplated her choices. She could go home and wait for Risa to call her like she always did, or she could make her way to the highway and see for herself that Risa wasn’t any where in danger. Looking at Eri, who had by now brought her knees up to her chest and had her head buried in them, Ai made her decision.

“Please head for Tokyo highway.”

-----

The line of cars went on for miles due to the traffic jam caused by the pileup. In their taxi, Ai and Eri couldn’t see what was happening in the front. Their anxiety was only made worse by the heavy rain beating against the roof of the vehicle and the conversation going on between the driver and his colleague.

“I heard it’s pretty serious. There’s a rumor that a talent or something was one of the passengers.”

Hearing those words, Eri gasped loudly and a fresh round of tears entered her eyes. She looked at Ai with an expression that pleaded for her to do something, anything in the current situation. Her own thoughts in a mess, Ai tried to determine the most appropriate course of action. Except that Risa wasn’t by her side, and she needed her. In her daily life, Ai couldn’t function properly without Risa giving her suggestions or helping her out. Now she felt helpless, she felt lost, but most of all, she felt scared.

You have to be alright Gaki-san. You have to be.

Pulling at the lever to release the door, Ai pushed it open and got out of the car. Outside, the world seemed to be colored in a single shade of gray as the rain and darkened sky meshed as one. In her relatively high boots, Ai started to run. She sprinted with all her strength towards the start of the line of cars where the accident had occurred. Focusing solely on reaching her destination quickly, she cleared her mind so nothing could sway her resolve or hinder her pace. She couldn’t hear Eri screaming at the back for her to slow down or the bursts of honking by the cars stranded on the highway at rush hour. All she could hear was Risa’s familiar and distinctive voice.

I will always be here for you Ai-chan. Whenever you need me.

-----

The scene was absolutely horrifying. The masses of wrecked metal, smell of burnt flesh and splintering of glass beneath her feet made Ai feel queasy. She wanted to turn back and leave the scene of such violent destruction. It wasn’t a place she should be in. But then again, it wasn’t a place Risa should be in either. Yes, she was here to locate Risa, and she wasn’t leaving without her.

“Ai-chan.”

Out of nowhere, Eri appeared beside her and held on to her coat. Together, they made their way cautiously to the nearest cab. The mangled sedan lay on its side, every piece of glass shattered by the impact of the crash. Lowering her head to peer into the interior, Ai heaved a silent sigh of relief that Risa wasn’t in it. Two more futile attempts later, Ai was beginning to think that perhaps Eri was wrong after all. And Risa never came this way.

“Ai-chan…it’s.. Gaki-san’s purse.”

Bending down to reach for the sequined object, Ai recognized it as one of Risa’s favorite purses. Nevertheless she refused to believe it belonged to her dear friend. A design like this was common and very popular, there was a high chance that it belonged to some other woman. Even so, the telling evidence was the little Mickey Mouse ornament dangling from the handle and the yellow letter R hanging below it.

No… This can’t be true.

Holding the torn and filthy bag in her hands, Ai cried. For the first time since hearing about the accident, she let go. Keeping up the image of leader was no longer important, singing and dancing well was no longer vital. Nothing mattered anymore. Because the only thing that truly mattered, is no longer here.

“Ai-chan you can’t give up! Gaki-san wouldn’t give up!”

There was renewed vigor in Eri’s voice. The turtle girl was only in name. In reality, Eri was more outgoing than she ever was. The new her was a result of Morning Musume, a product of self-confidence and a consequence of having Risa around. Since GAKIKAME commenced, Eri found herself hanging out more frequently with her senior. To her, Risa was a good friend, someone as important as Sayumi was. And she wasn’t going to believe that Risa was a person who would go down without a fight. Braving the relentless rain, Eri continued scouring the surroundings for any sign of Risa.

I’m gonna chase you to the ends of the world Gaki-san.

Walking apprehensively up to the last overturned automobile, Eri prayed. God wouldn’t be so cruel as to take Risa away from them, from her. On the other side, sitting on the curb and holding onto her arm, was Risa.

“GAKI-SAN!”

Running to kneel down before her, Eri enveloped Risa in a smothering hug. Tears sprung once more from her already swollen eyes.

“Promise me you’ll never get hurt. Promise me you’ll never fall sick. Promise me that you’ll never leave me!”

“Pokepoke pu, I’m fine.”

With her good arm, Risa hugged Eri back. The joy of feeling Risa’s arm around her waist was indescribable and Eri didn’t want to ever let go. Only she had to.

“Ai-chan.”

“Gaki-san...”

Reluctantly moving aside, Eri made way for Ai to hug Risa. Seeing their contact with each other, the identical sense of despair she felt earlier in the day came flooding back. Ai had practically attached herself onto Risa without leaving any inch of space between them. Her hands had somehow come into contact with Risa’s wound, which made the youngest of the fifth generation wince. But other than that, Risa didn’t seem to mind being caught in Ai’s rigid embrace. There was no exchange of words but it was clear that none was needed.

It was still raining and the cold rain seeped beneath her clothes and cooled her exhausted body. Her hair was a mess and so was her make-up. But Eri didn’t care about those insignificant details. Standing apart from her seniors, she finally realized the cause for her dejected disposition.

The clothes she saw today weren’t as stunning as they should be. The meal she had and the Sakura she saw weren’t as tasty or breathtaking as they should’ve been. Today wasn’t a usual one for her, nor was it enjoyable simply because, Ai was there. It shouldn’t have happened but it did.

It was never my intention, but I fell in love with you, Niigaki Risa.