If I'm Not In Love

If I'm Not in Love

I flopped heavily down on my bed, my hair spray out like a fan beneath me. It has been another long and tiring day. Except that I can't fall asleep as the image of you speaking to me after rehearsal keeps surfacing in my mind. "You were being really weird when saying goodbye yesterday. Did something happen?" The concern in your eyes was evident and I was deeply moved because, you noticed. When nobody else did.

I watch you during every practice, the beautiful figure following two other ladies in a line, pouting your lips and your crossing your arms. When you act exaggeratedly throwing garbage everywhere to torment the leading lady, I can't help but smile as I know this isn't the real you. I'm proud to say I'm the one who knows you best. 1736 days to be exact. "How long have we known each other?" You asked suddenly during our usual monthly outing. "Years." I reply, leaving the other part of my sentence silent. But it's not long enough a time for me. You hook one hand around my arm, pulling me along as you gaze at the passing shop windows along the street. Why is it that I can share my worries with you, I can tell you my doubts and insecurities. And even when I didn't intend to, you knew. And maybe because you care, I started thinking more about you.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then
What should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you, baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

People say you rely on me too much but the truth is I rely on you. "When will we get to room together again." I asked you casually during our latest concert tour, careful to not sound out of the ordinary. You shrug your shoulders with a smile before running off to get ready. I hide the sad sigh from emerging as I see your retreating back. It used to be just the two of us. But ever since you started getting closer to the other members, it seemed like your time for me became lesser and lesser. I want to go back to the nights where we could cuddle up together under the warm covers. I want to feel your steady breathing and watch you rest, sleeping beside me. Maybe it's an obsession but some things I can’t question. I just know a part of me is missing when I can't feel your touch.

And if I don't need your touch
Why do I miss you so much
Tonight
If it's just infatuation then
Why is my heart aching
To hold you forever
Give a part of me I thought I'd never
Give again to someone I could lose
If I'm not in love with you

Oji-sama! Keeping up the pretense of wishing for my gallant prince is hard because in all my dreams of having a prince come for me, I was actually lying to myself. I never wanted a prince, only a princess, who was you. Only in my dreams can I hold you like I want to. Because I know I can't love you the way I wish to. All the thoughts occupying my mind consist of you, your smile, your laughter and you, just you. Why am I feeling this way, I don't know. If only someone could tell me why, why I can only think of you.

Why in every fantasy
Do I feel your arms embracing me
Lovers lost in sweet desire
Why in dreams do I surrender
Like a baby
Someone help explain this feeling
Someone tell me

Do you think this could be love? Pausing as I walk to look up to the sky has become a norm. Asking the birds soaring high above without a care in the world what being crazy feels like is almost a daily occurrence. But if my heart isn't lying, then I'm glad it was you. That the person I'm in love with, that special someone who understands me, is you Eririn.

If I'm not in love with you
What is this I'm going through
Tonight
And if my heart is lying then what should I believe in
Why do I go crazy
Every time I think about you baby
Why else do I want you like I do
If I'm not in love with you

Pressing down on the 'off' button to deactivate the hi-fi system, I stopped the spinning CD playing in the deck. Marking the top of the page with the words KonUsaPi entry, July 2008, I closed the diary clothed within a pink cover.