When You're Gone

The room is silent, the lights off as I sit on the floor at the foot of my bed. Tears start to slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. As I tilt my head downwards from looking at the space on my bed where you used to lie, I could feel the cool water land rhythmically on my thighs. I'm crying... alone. I used to feel more comfortable that no one was watching. And you knew to let me be. But now... I miss you being around. I realized that I want you here... with me. As when you are by my side, the days don't feel as long or tiresome.

I always needed time on my own
I never thought I'd need you there when I cry
And the days feel like years when I'm alone
And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

I still remember the last time I saw you like it was yesterday. How you turned away from me with sad brown eyes. As you walked towards the exit of the dressing room in Budokan hall, I knew you were crying. I wanted so much to tell you to stop, to come back and that this wasn't the end. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say those words that I've been hiding deep within my heart.

Do you know how much I need you right now Gaki-san?

When you walk away I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need you right now?

Now that you're gone, my heart aches with every second that I think of you. I miss your face, your breath, your everything. Why didn't I cherish the times when you would nag at me, when you showed me concern and asked if I was okay.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

I must be crazy. As I am reminded of you wherever I go, whatever I do. In the kitchen while pouring myself a glass of water, I recall how you spilt your drink all over the counter top and on your hands when I crept up on you and poked you at your side. AI-CHANNNNNNNNNNNNNN! You would whine with the cutest pout as I grinned back at you, only able to reveal my mischievous side with you.

Pushing the crystal glass away, I left it standing on the marble surface as I dragged my feet zombie-like back to my room, the need to quench my thirst no long important. As the door swings open with a soft creak, I notice your pajamas bottom and the tank top that you last wore when you slept over lying in the corner. The green and gray screams out to me, reminding me of how beautiful you looked in them. The material accentuating your curves and taut body. Bending down to pick them up, I bring the soft cotton to my nose, breathing in deeply.

"Come back to me Risa. I was stupid to not realize sooner how perfect we were together."

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do, reminds me of you
And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor
And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

We could read each others' minds without saying anything. You would understand what I wanted, needed with a single glance or change in expression. I guess I took it all for granted, as I never once told you how much I appreciate all that you're done for me. Perhaps I never thought a day would come when you wouldn't be there for me anymore.

I've never told you how much you mean to me, that the only reason why I could give my best on performances or live my life to the fullest was because you were there for me. I want you Risa, I need you.

We were made for each other
Out here forever
I know we were, yeah

And all I ever wanted was for you to know
Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul
I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

I'm no longer like how I used to be. I'm no longer whole. A part of me has died since the day you left. It's as if I've become blind, deaf, when I can't see you or hear you on a daily basis.

I could give everything up just to hold you in my arms again, to be able to bully and smack you on the head. If I could start over, I would tell you... how much you really mean to me and that I loved you and will still love you, for the rest of my life.

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
And when you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too

And when you're gone
All the words I need to hear will always get me through the day
And make it ok
I miss you

1 more day to D-day + Evil (?) Airi

This is the best AiGaki clip in ages. I love how huge and round Ai's eyes were when Risa appeared. The smacks on the head she gave the poor bean were ultra cute. It's clear that Gaki had tears in her eyes as she looked at Ai. I love how she went to hold leader in her arms. Awwwwwwwwwww it's so sweet. I almost shed a few tears myself when Risa said it was lonely that everyone is graduating or has graduated. Though Ai says it will be alright, I doubt sub-leader fully believes it at this point. It's hard to when the most popular member and her longest comrade will be leaving tomorrow!



4:36 min Schoolgirl Ai is cuteeeeeeeeeeeeee! I love her oufit. Why does she always get the best clothes??

Damn UFA for releasing more concert goods only now (it's too freaking late damnit!) when there is no way for me to beg anyone to get them. I'm in love with Ai's solo poster and the photosets of her with Risa and Sayumi. And those heartshaped keychains!!! THEY ARE KAWAII!!!!! I NEED THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

Why am I not living in Japan =( Or better yet, why isn't MM a local group =(

-----

This new movie has Yurina as the lead and Airi in a smaller role. Is she 2nd lead? I have no idea. But boy can she pull off the evil look. Is she the evil girl in the movie?

I think it's proven that the evil expression is easiest to do that's why no matter how bad an actress someone is, they can always succeed in evil roles.

Oh yes, how are they gonna find a guy tall enough for Yurina? And is everyone else gonna have to stand on a step ladder to film scene with her? =X I wanna watch this, along with the vampire movies. Why can't local theatres scene them?

Kame Kame Kame!!!

Found a fic featuring Eri and a Kpop boy band member. I don't usually like to see the girls paired with other people outside of MM but surprisingly, I wasn't put off by this story. In fact I find it quite believable and enjoyable to read. Watching the trailer which was made for it by one of the readers of the fic, I'm both in awe and ashamed that I could never produce something of such good quality =(



I hope to discover more FICs with Kame, Gaki, Ai and Sayumi. K4 saikou always!

And I miss the turtle! How are you getting along these days Eririn? I want you back in idol world! Actress, singer or model. Anything! Just please come back soon =(...

Love's Obsession (2)

8.35 am on a Monday morning and I'm stuck in the ladies, puking my guts out. After an unidentified period of time, I flush the wc and staggered unsteadily to the sink area. The cold water makes me feel slightly better as I rinsed my mouth and splashed the liquid on my face. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I was shocked to see the extent of my pale skin. On my way back to the office, I run into another colleague who didn't belong to the 'three musketeers' I usually go for lunch break with.

"Are you okay? You look really pale."

Her words sounded echo-y and her face blurry as I blinked to combine the multiple images of her standing before me.

"I'm fine."

Forcing a smile, I sent her on her way and returned to my seat. Inside my cubicle, I take a small sip of warm water hoping that the hot drink would ease the turbulence in my stomach. Unfortunately it didn't and fresh tears threatened to slip from the corners of my eyes.

No! Not now, not here!

These words repeated themselves in my mind as I tore at a piece of tissue to dab at my eyes. I couldn't let anyone see me in such a state or they would ask me what was wrong. I didn't want to explain myself or tell them why I was being so upset. Turning my face towards the computer terminal lined up against the wall, I hid my teary eyes and prayed no one would look for me until I had significantly calmed down.

It was always the same, I would never have anyone by my side when I feel sick or depressed.

The vibration of my cellphone brought my attention to the little device and I picked it up and to read the message that had come in.

How is Kame today? Gaki saw a cute French guy at the airport! He was so gentlemanly.

It was surprising that she would send me a message out of the blue. Tilting my head sideways to glance at my desktop calendar, I realized it was Friday and she was probably on her way home from work.

Kame is unwell and wants to go home. Did you get French guy's number?

You will be knocking off soon right? Nah, Gaki doesn't like guys.

After a couple more messages, she stops replying and I figured she must have arrived home. Gaki, full name Niigaki Risa, is a straight A student. Currently she's also working at a shop set up by her college at the airport to train business students on how to run a retail store. She has to work there once a week so she usually messages me when she is on the train travelling home.

Gaki and I share a weird friendship. We don't speak a lot, as she doesn't reply to text messages often. We hardly even meet since she is a homebody who doesn't like to go out and people. Yet she somehow understands where I'm coming from and on the rare days we manage to hold a decent conversation either through Skype or text messaging, I'm usually telling her about my troubles.

"Eri, you want a lift from me?"

My thoughts were interrupted when I looked up to see the smiley face of a married colleague. Returning her a small smile, I promptly agree and began packing my belongings. Although I've not completed my work, I'm really not feeling well enough to do OT.

-----

On the journey back, the car is silent as neither of us spoke. I feel bad about not engaging in small talk but I'm really too brain dead to say anything. I'll just have to make up for her kind gesture some other time.

As she drops me off near her home, I begin walking to the nearest train station. It's packed as always and whilst I stand on the platform waiting for the next train, thoughts of her enter my mind.

~Flashback~

"Shelter yourself too!"

She says with a laugh as she tries to push my hand such that the umbrella I was supporting also shielded my torso from the falling rain. It was obvious that I had angled the brolly in a way which only kept her dry.

"It's okay. Let's walk faster, or we'll really end up drenched."

We started running towards the nearest building and in the process, our shoulders brushed against each other numerous times.

~End of flashback~

Stepping into my empty home after fighting through the crowds on the train and bus on the rest of the way home, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by a wave of nausea. Dashing for the bathroom, I throw up what little I had eaten for lunch as well as some whitish fluid streaked with red.

Great, this just never ends. Allowing my body to slip down onto the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, I leaned my back against the wall and closed my eyes.

~Flashback #2~

"What are you planning on ordering?"

She looks down at the menu in concentration and pauses for some time before meeting my eyes.

"Katsu-don?"

I chuckled at how she ended her sentence with an unsure tone and waved the server over. Once our orders were taken, we settled down and lapsed into an easy conversation. The minutes flew past and before we knew it, it was late and time for her to go home.

"Bye bye?"

Once again, her reply caused me to grin. Walking her to the train station, I watched her retreating back as she walked towards the escalator. Not realizing that it took longer than necessary for me to tear my eyes away, I turned on my heel and started on my way towards my own destination. It was only the second time without the rest, yet somehow, it felt so right.

~End of flashback~

That night she messaged me. And that was how, everything I once knew began to fall apart...

Risa: That's how it is, Ai: Our song

Just 3 days to the Fukui concert and 9 more to the final graduation concert. *SIGH*

I never wanted Ai to graduate, not without Risa by her side. But I sorta knew they would never make it a double graduation like Makoto and Kon Kon or EJL. One reason could possibly be, Ai is much too big a star to have to share her big day with someone else. And another factor could well be that the management weren't confident that a Sayumi x Reina leadership would be the best option for now.

Although I'm more that certain the bunny would make a reliable leader, judging from how well she takes care of Eri in the past as well as her more than good relationship with the remaining members. She probably doesn't have enough experience on how to manage the younglings, hence Gaki should be at the helm for now.

I read this interview of the current leader and sub on the bus and I was touched to the extent of almost bawling my eyes out. I think the portion which affected me the most was how the two could understand what each other was thinking without saying it out. The word used was telepathy and I wholeheartedly agree.

AiGaki hotexpress interview

It seems that they had spoken right from the start, at the temple training during the 5th gen auditions. I didn't expect this to be the case considering they have a two year age difference between them. With so many girls there, I'm sure some others would have been closer in age and less intimidating or weird to start a conversation with. So I guess it was already written in the stars that these two would end up coming such a long way together.

Some mention worthy moments.

--Incidentally, from Gaki-san's point of view, what kind of leader was Takahashi Ai?

Niigaki: The closest one, or how should I put it....a leader who's very close to her juniors. Aichan personally doesn't have the sense of “Because I'm leader,” rather, it's like, “Even though I'm leader, it's easy to talk to me.” It's easy to consult her. She's a leader that the 9th gen can get close to, going, “Takahashi-san!” In that sense she's become a leader who wants to create a cozy Morning Musume. There's still the senior-junior relationship, but in a good way and without creating barriers, she watches over everyone, and everyone also loves her dearly. I really think she's that kind of leader.

---You've conveyed it perfectly.

Niigaki: That's how it is.......

*Niigaki is crying out loud*

Niigaki: But somehow, what is it.......It's difficult, though! Really. Putting it into words.

Now this part, makes me feel that Risa really observed and noticed the type of leadership Ai chose to go with. She put it so well that I want to give her a hug and squeeze (no dirty thoughts please XD) for saying it.

Niigaki: We've come along having worked hard together like that, so she also does things like worry about our future. I myself am also very uneasy.....but we were able to work hard and come this far, even while worrying, “Will it be ok after she graduates?” so I think we'll be fine. [We'll move forward] so that we don't worry her about anything,

That's why I think because Ai-chan also worries about this Morning Musume that has been built up, we have to continue it properly so as not to worry her. We'll move forward in a very positive way.

Awww, it's touching how they try not to worry the other. This is really what true, close friends are made of. Always having the other party on your mind and wanting whats best for them. *SNIFF*

---Moreover, the duo Takahashi Ai x Niigaki Risa from that album will also be shown during the tour, right?

Niigaki: I'm very happy that at the very last moment a song was written for the two of us. Moreover, singing it feels really good. We're singing it with great care during the tour.

Takahashi: It's an extremely happy song. I think it's also such a blessing to be able to say that it's “our song.” Furthermore, we get to harmonize. When it comes to harmony, it's not right unless you both depend on each other's melody, right? Gaki-san can be very reliable when it comes to that, so although I say, “it can feel really great singing it in concert,” I'm singing it just naturally, so there are times when it's like, “Eh? We should harmonize at that part, right?” (laughs). The two of us can sing with a natural feeling to the point that we don't even worry about that.

I'm happy for the last AiGaki duet. I'm sure it will be beautiful *sad smile*