Thank You for the Memories ~ Part 1

These pages of heartfelt words allowed me to understand more of this incredible individual named Kamei Eri.

Eririn えりりん showed me many sides of the turtle I never knew existed and let me know more about her childhood and the things she had faced. Her many insecurities and how difficult it was to get to where she was later. I have new found admiration for Kame, and I still think she is someone worth loving. No matter as a fan, or as a friend.

I apologize in advance if there are mistakes in the translations.

Kamei Eri's History ~ Part 1

The memory of holding a cup, standing on a DIY stage and singing along to kiddy programs is vivid in my mind. Along with the posters on the wall. This is strange as I'm supposed to have a bad memory. Maybe it's because I have watched videos of my childhood. So did I remember everything? Or it is due to watching the videos? I can't recall at all. I'm really a person with bad memory *laughs*.

Singing and dancing is something I've liked a lot since I was a child. I've learnt the piano, ballet and jazz. It started out as mummy's interest. When she came across a good recital or performance, she would bring me along. Mummy never said no if I wanted to learn something. I took 5 or 6 classes at the same time and in order to complete my primary school commitments, I had classes everyday. I didn't have any free time but I continued them all because I couldn't bear to give up any of the classes. Though when I think back now I still think that those times were really happy and enriching, there were hard times too. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would run to grams house nearby and rest. When mummy discovered it she would lecture me *laugh*

In kindergarten, before I stepped into class everyday, I would surely cry and shout "I don't want to go into class" when mama was around. And when she left, I would continue crying while shouting "Mama isn't here." I would cry no matter what and this habit is still with me to this day.

Because I wasn't very good at learning or saying interesting stories, I was once very bad at speaking in front of people.

I was timid, talked softly and never dared to voice opinions. And because I wasn't good at learning, I felt very bad about myself/had low self-esteem. Although I'm not like that now, at that time, how people looked at me was very important. I wanted to become someone with no flaws, that's why my inabilities at learning made me feel small.

But as I wasn't fond of studying subjects like math, social studies, etc, even if I was hardworking, I could never get the results I had hoped for.

In primary school, as I was so shy, I could never speak up. Even when it was my duty and I had to stand in front of the class to say greetings, I couldn't. There are many classmates who can remain cheerful and say funny things to make the class laugh even when they don't know the answer to the question that the teacher asked. but who can. But I couldn't even do that. I'm not humorous nor cool. Whenever I was in class, I was very afraid of being called and would remain silent as I didn't know how to reply. This situation lasted till I was in primary 4.

I had 3 good friends at that time. One of them was from the same kindergarten as me while the other 2 were from the same childcare center. They were all good at studies except me to the point that the teacher would tell my mama during parent-teacher meetings; "How did Eri-chan end up in that group when the rest are all so smart?"

Our group of 4 were pretty well known and were on quite good terms with a group of 4 cute boys. They were all in the scoccer club. Although I was in it too, like learning, I wasn't good at soccer as well.

I had my first crush in primary school. It wasn't one of the boys in that group. I liked him all the way from primary 1 till primary 5. But in primary 6, I suddenly didn't like him anymore. That boy was closer to my sister. They were both the youngest child in the family and seemed to have a lot to talk about. From that time one, the way I looked at him became solely friendship based. I gave me valentine's day chocolates in all those years and he was the only one I thought as someone I would like.

In kindergarten, there was also a boy I was fond of. But he kept going to play with other girls. It made me feel jealous to see that.

In kidergarten, I liked handsome boys. In primary school, it was tall guys. Now it's interesting boys, who are cheerful, humorous and can play with me. But the most important is the inside/character.

The 3 girls from primary I still keep in contact with them now. About 2 years ago there was a class reunion but I couldn't make it. A few of those who are close to me specially had a get-together so I could go. The feeling is very comfortable when I meet them. We can talk about anything. Friends from when I was young are really good. Everyone has gone on different paths, some became OL, one of the guys from the 4 boys became a soccer coach. Became I joined MM from when I was 13 years old, when I see my friends who work hard towards their dream job, I felt they were admirable. If it were me, I would surely be unable to do it.

Recently I've been meeting up with secondary school friends. I realized that everyone is in different worlds and have to consider different things.

The first time I saw MM was during LOVE MACHINE. From that time on, I would notice the member's fashion, hair color and make up and think to myself I would try that style too one day. I admired Yaguchi-san the most in that period and would definitely sing MM songs when I went to the KTV. Pretty soon, I became a fan.

I never thought of auditioning for MM though I had considered becoming a talent. I never took singing classes but I went to the KTV a lot and sang at home. Even when I was bathing I would sing. And the next day, the boy living nearby would say "You were singing yesterday weren't you?" That made me think of entering auditions. I did sign up for one previously but didn't get it. I kept thinking someone like me would never be picked and this made me depressed.

I watched the 4th gen auditions as an entertainment program. When it came to the 5th gen auditions. I chased the show religiously. What grabbed my attention most were the lessons the participants had. For singing and dancing, I could try my best to do well. But performing was harder as I was painfully shy. While watching, I thought "If it were me..." to have my emotions and behaviour captured on national television, it would no doubt be very embarassing. I still find it unbelievable that I had entered the audition. Maybe it was due to the strong feelings of not wanting to lose and at least try once which made me do it.

And perhaps because the winners of the 5th audtion were close in age to myself. Seeing how they, like Gaki-san who was the same age as me, had already knew what they wanted to do and how they worked hard towards it, made me feel that they were cool and I was envious about this. I think it must have been these strong feelings which made me do it.

When it was down to 5 finalists from all those who auditioned, I was the only one who didn't talk much. Reina and Sayumi used to say I was the weirdest. I was the only one from Tokyo hence evenyone's dialets was new to me. Reina and Sayu had awesome personalities. I couldn't compare. Because they were so vibrant, I felt it was difficult to express myself.

When it was said that I was very common/normal, it made me sad. I didn't know how to discover my personality nor did I know how to portray my character. Even in the single "Joshi Kashimashi Monogatari" the lyrics related to me spoke about what exactly was I trying to portray. Tsunku was probably thinking why I have yet to have a character fixed. I knew I couldn't continue like this yet I didn't know how I could change it. In the end, I just left it as it is - this is how I am. This is how my character is.

It was nerve-wrecking to work with Nakazawa-san. When she asked "Eric, what will you do the next time?" I would really think about how I was going to do it. HaroMorni was the place that nurtured me. The me who was shy and afraid, changed because of the concerts and my senpais.

I really think entering MM changed me. Iida-san told me when greeting people I should at least say my name loudly. If people didn't hear me, it was the same as not greeting them. Having a soft voice is not an excuse.

Once, I was lectured about speaking too softly right before a concert. Because I was embarrassed, and sad that I knew what my problem was but I still could not do anything about it, I hid in the washroom to cry. But the various portions in the concerts allowed me to build up my courage and confidence and I learnt how to portray myself.

Am I no longer the timid and shy me of the past? Sometimes I think that part of me still exists. But I am still changing little by little. Will this lead up to the me of the future? Or will I remain as I am now. This is something I sometimes think about.